Hey crazy cats! With less than a week left before Christmas, I thought that I would share some of the troubles we go through during the holiday season. In the first two parts, I discussed the odyssey into buy gifts and getting the Christmas Tree. Now comes the part that we all are so familiar with.... the family.
Usually, family reunions are fun. During the holidays, they are a new dimension in hell. God forbid you have the family gathering at your house. If that's the case, prepare yourself for the police, the fire department, the EMTs, and a UN Envoy coming over. It usually starts innocently enough. Then, members of the family that no one wants to show up usually do. You think " It's Christmas. What can possibly happen?" As you're being escorted away by the court bailiff, you realize alot can go wrong.
However, at the time, we fall in love with the idea of a big family Christmas. We decorate our house like some nightmare from "Better Homes and Gardens". We stench up the place with some insane pine scenty candles. Finally, in the tortured spirit of the holidays, we put on sappy Christmas music from CD we thought we never had. It's amazing how many Christmas Cd's we have. We have Christmas Cd's from Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Faith Hill, The Chipmunks, Mariah Carey, Larry the Cable Guy, Run DMC, Marylin Manson, Elvis Presley, That stupid "grandma got run over by a reindeer" song, Tupac's Krismus in Da Hood, The "Feliz Navidad" song, and Disney's Christmas 4-ever vols. 1-248643135471353157!
As soon as the family starts to arrive, the troubles begin. We have the uncle who smokes, the uncle who drinks too much and ends up fighting everybody, the uncle who drinks too much and ends up loving everybody, the aunt whose husband left her for a younger woman, the insane grandmother, the deadbeat brother-in-law, the stuck-up cousins, the slutty sister who has more tattoos and piercings than a die-hard Hell's Angels biker, the mother from hell, the cousin who just got out of jail but will go back to jail once the night is through, the gay nephew, the really religious aunt who tries to convert everybody during the dinner because she wants to let you know that you live in sin but Jesus still loves you, the sister whose son is in the Coast Guard but she's so proud of him that he's fighting terrorism being stationed in Oregon, those really dirty kids that your sister inherited when she married that bum that the whole family said that she shouldn't marry, and finally... one pissed off grand dad.
All these people cant keep their mouths shut during dinner. That's why in February, they will discover that bleeding ulcer. The intentions were noble, but they are like retarded jackals. I have a saying... " even the worst disasters started out with the best intentions." By the way, everyone will hate dinner.
So there you are... stuck in a house of people you want to kill and hating life. Just think, after dinner, you don't have to see these people for another year. So after they lay waste to your house like a category five hurricane, you feel moreat ease as the last bunch of them leave your house. Hey, be happy you're not hispanic. We have Three Kings Day in January! Keep safe and dream big.
