Total Meltdown

This entry today isn't meant to be funny or sarcastic. Today's entry comes from an open heart in look for answers. Maybe through these means I can find the answer I'm looking for.

You ever had one of those days when you felt as if existence was against you? What do you do when life keeps handing you bad moments? Do you feel as if you can't carry on? Do you rebel against everything? Do you give up?

Now, imagine all that with facing these problems with a medical condition. The condition I speak of is depression. There are times when I feel as if I'm on top of the world. Other days, I feel as if I'm underneath it. I have a great support system, in the form of family and professionals, that help me. Yet, they can't prevent those tough moments from coming into my life. For the past few years, i have been going through the most turbulent times in my life. Now, as a person who suffers from depression, I know that alot things one has to let it go or else risk going into a spiral. Imagine now, that you feel as if not even God himself isn't listening to you. What do you do? For the longest time, I thought that not thinking about it would help me get through it. However, the less I thought about it, the more it came into my mind. Then. I tried distractors. I tried fishing, fighting, drawing, canoeing, shooting, hunting, etc... Although I did good in everything I did, I hated doing them. It wasn't because I didn't like doing the hobbies, it was because I knew the reason why I was doing the hobbies. It seems like an endless cycle.

Now before anyone goes and lectures me on how this is going to make me a stronger person, or there are alot worse off people than me, let me say one thing...SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' TRAP!

I'm tired of all the pep talks. I'm tired of all the inspirational chats. I'm tired of " there will be a better tomorrow". There comes a moment in one's life where you reach your end of your wits. I, unfortunately, am there.

For the past two years, I've been trying my hardest to do my best. My marriage went down the tubes. For most of you who know, I fought for my marriage tooth and nail to save it. The advise that was given to me was "it was never meant to be". What a bunch of crap! The reason the United States leads the world in divorce is because we were all fed that crap! I remember growing up and hardly hearing of divorce. Couples fought for their marriage. Being married meant something. It's no longer "till death do us part"; it's more like "till I find something better". No one is willing to fight for anything anymore. It's always the easy way out.

I understand that there are issues that rock the very fabric of marriage. Trust me, I've been through some. What ever happened to I'm not going to be another divorce statistic? I guess no one has the guts anymore.

Let me let you in on a little Sam secret. I suffer from depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Adult ADD, and thinking that Disney Movies are meant to be emotional. I could've just said "I quit!" However,I didn't. Something within me makes me wake up in the morning with the desire to keep fighting. I don't want to lose. Then again, I hate it when people give me wishy washy pep talks. Save it for your school's football team when they lose the state championship. I'm tired of hearing it wasn't meant to be.

Life is what you make it. I realize that. I'm just tired of feeling helpless at times. I'm not a control freak, but i sure wish I could I had a say in things that went on in my life. I'm not going to blame God or whoever you believe in.

The only reason I'm even making this entry is just to vent. I believe that if I let out some steam,rather than let it build, I have an easier time getting through some rough situations. A lot of people may worry by the sound of this entry that it seems like I'm at the end of my rope. That statement couldn't be any further from the truth. I refuse to give up and I will not give up. I'm just getting started.

Honestly though everyone, thank you for hearing my rants. I know alot of you wish me the best and are always there to help me. I sincerely want to thank you all. Soooo, to spare you all from any further rants, I'll think I'll call it an entry. Keep safe and dream big.