Total Meltdown

This entry today isn't meant to be funny or sarcastic. Today's entry comes from an open heart in look for answers. Maybe through these means I can find the answer I'm looking for.

You ever had one of those days when you felt as if existence was against you? What do you do when life keeps handing you bad moments? Do you feel as if you can't carry on? Do you rebel against everything? Do you give up?

Now, imagine all that with facing these problems with a medical condition. The condition I speak of is depression. There are times when I feel as if I'm on top of the world. Other days, I feel as if I'm underneath it. I have a great support system, in the form of family and professionals, that help me. Yet, they can't prevent those tough moments from coming into my life. For the past few years, i have been going through the most turbulent times in my life. Now, as a person who suffers from depression, I know that alot things one has to let it go or else risk going into a spiral. Imagine now, that you feel as if not even God himself isn't listening to you. What do you do? For the longest time, I thought that not thinking about it would help me get through it. However, the less I thought about it, the more it came into my mind. Then. I tried distractors. I tried fishing, fighting, drawing, canoeing, shooting, hunting, etc... Although I did good in everything I did, I hated doing them. It wasn't because I didn't like doing the hobbies, it was because I knew the reason why I was doing the hobbies. It seems like an endless cycle.

Now before anyone goes and lectures me on how this is going to make me a stronger person, or there are alot worse off people than me, let me say one thing...SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' TRAP!

I'm tired of all the pep talks. I'm tired of all the inspirational chats. I'm tired of " there will be a better tomorrow". There comes a moment in one's life where you reach your end of your wits. I, unfortunately, am there.

For the past two years, I've been trying my hardest to do my best. My marriage went down the tubes. For most of you who know, I fought for my marriage tooth and nail to save it. The advise that was given to me was "it was never meant to be". What a bunch of crap! The reason the United States leads the world in divorce is because we were all fed that crap! I remember growing up and hardly hearing of divorce. Couples fought for their marriage. Being married meant something. It's no longer "till death do us part"; it's more like "till I find something better". No one is willing to fight for anything anymore. It's always the easy way out.

I understand that there are issues that rock the very fabric of marriage. Trust me, I've been through some. What ever happened to I'm not going to be another divorce statistic? I guess no one has the guts anymore.

Let me let you in on a little Sam secret. I suffer from depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Adult ADD, and thinking that Disney Movies are meant to be emotional. I could've just said "I quit!" However,I didn't. Something within me makes me wake up in the morning with the desire to keep fighting. I don't want to lose. Then again, I hate it when people give me wishy washy pep talks. Save it for your school's football team when they lose the state championship. I'm tired of hearing it wasn't meant to be.

Life is what you make it. I realize that. I'm just tired of feeling helpless at times. I'm not a control freak, but i sure wish I could I had a say in things that went on in my life. I'm not going to blame God or whoever you believe in.

The only reason I'm even making this entry is just to vent. I believe that if I let out some steam,rather than let it build, I have an easier time getting through some rough situations. A lot of people may worry by the sound of this entry that it seems like I'm at the end of my rope. That statement couldn't be any further from the truth. I refuse to give up and I will not give up. I'm just getting started.

Honestly though everyone, thank you for hearing my rants. I know alot of you wish me the best and are always there to help me. I sincerely want to thank you all. Soooo, to spare you all from any further rants, I'll think I'll call it an entry. Keep safe and dream big.

Video Blog for 26Jul08

Video Blog for 25JUL2008

A New Start

Well, I finally finished moving this week. Let me start off by saying it was an odyssey. I started moving packing on Wednesday and began moving on Friday. I did not finish till Tuesday morning, sometime around 5 a.m. By the way, I went to work on that day. I have done some incredible things in my life, but never have I gone nearly five days without sleep. Thank God I had friends to help me. I couldn't have done it alone. I would've more likely have gotten upset about half way through the move and set fire to the rest of the things that needed to be moved. All I can say is that I truly hate moving.

As many of you may know, my life is going pretty good now. The only problem is that I wish that people would stop trying to play match maker with me. Seriously folks, I'm happy the way I am. just because I'm alone doesn't mean that I'm lonely. I actually enjoy my free time. I'm not looking to jump into a relationship. My last relationship left a bad impression on me. I stopped believing in some things. I was once told that love never fails. Love doesn't fail, it's us who fail. Now, I'm the first one to admit that love stinks. However, once you fall into its G.I. Joe kung fu grip, you don't want to let it go. I guess it's like when you were a little kid and you would try to stick your fingers into the light socket. You knew it was bad, but you liked it.

Anyway, as I was saying... I finished moving and I'm extremely happy that I moved. The last place was a cemetary of memeories, in which I was suffering on a daily basis. The new place is a new start for me. To be truthful, this the first place I have ever gotten on my own. That's kind of amazing, if you ask me.

well, folks. I'm sorry for the brief notes, but for one thing, I have to catch up on some sleep and second, I have an apartment to fix up. As always, keep safe and dream big!

You've Got to be Kidding!

Ok. So, I was reading the news when I came across this bit of info. By the time you finish reading this entry, you'll either be appalled or laughing in stitches on the floor. It seems like a couple in Cesena, Italy were caught copulating in a confessional booth in a Roman Catholic Church. you may ask, so what's the big deal? Well... They were getting busy while the Bishop was celebrating mass! Holy Crap! That gives a new meaning to "second coming". I'm not a Catholic, but darn that's some messed up stuff. Why a church? I mean come on! Wow!

Anywho, so that incident got me thinking. What would possess a normal person to do incredibly stupid things? Another stupid incident happened in New York. Picture this, if you will. You're several thousands of feet off the ground and you're skydiving. Someone in the group is recording all the events that are transpiring that day. He is the only person on the team who is not wearing a parachute or skydiving gear. you jump out of the plane and seconds later you see a sack of human potatoes hurling pass you at speeds that would make the road runner pee its pants. Well, needless to say it was the "tard" with the video camera.

I really try to look at the positve side of humanity. I try to be nice to others, but how can you do that when people like these are out there. Another instance of people who aren't right is the case where a group of people in Canada are suing casinos because of their addiction to gambling! That's like a john sunig a hooker for his addiction to sex, a crackhead suing the drug dealer for his jonesing, or Kurt Cobaine suing the bullet maker for ending his life!

We really need to stop and think. We have our priorities all screwed up. We live in a world where criminals have more rights than the law abiding citizens. The Supreme Court has ruled that those caught and imprisoned in Gitmo have the right to civilian courts. While we're at it, why don't we give them the acess codes to launch our nuclear arsenal. For crying out loud! Alot of these people who were released went back and picked up weapons to fight against us! Oh well...

The world is a strange place. I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow I see in the news that the Pope himself is cutting a gangsta rap album. All I have to say is that it is up to us to point out to the morons that they're messing up. Apparently, someone needs to tell them that they are village idiots. Who knows, maybe that will help them from snapping out of the "duhhh" spell they're under. If Darwin were alive, I would've spit in his face and ask him to explain what's going on!

Well folks, I want to say thanks to all of those folks who go out of their way to read my entries and agree with my insanity. It helps feel alot better that there are other out there. Keep safe and dream big.