And Now, Our Feature Presentation

So the other day, I sat down and I watched a movie that totally disturbed me. It wasn't because of the nudity ( because it didn't have any). Nor was it because of it's super violent content ( it was as bad as a G.I. Joe cartoon). It disturbed me because it made me realize that we were a bunch of d-three for ever even imagining that it was a good flick. The movie I'm talking about is Sylvester Stallone's Oscar-winning gem "Cobra". I have seen some serious crap in my life, but WOW! This cinematic gonorrhea borders on the line of shear torture! The opening of the movie reminded me of a politically-oriented Duran Duran video.

So I know what you're asking. Why didn't you just turn off the stupid thing? To tell you the truth, I was drawn to it. It's the same attraction as when you minding your own business and you see a dog taking a crap on the street. You don't want to see it, but you wonder how big of a crap it's going to be.

Anyway, back to the movie... I found that the movie served up the load of vomit-gumbo right at the beginning with the scene where a psycho is holding a store full of hostages and "Cobra" appears. Cobra makes his way through the store, with a matchstick in his mouth and delivers a line that gives Orsen Wells' immortal exclamation "Rosebud" a run for it's money. As the psycho goes into his own little world and rambles off better than Dennis Miller talking about politics, Cobra informs the thug "You're a disease - and I'm the cure." Then, he blows him away with a custom .45 Magnum. Holy crap! They should make an amendment to the Bible and add that to the Psalms of David!

Let's not forget the clothing styles of good ole' 1986. Stallone was wearing jeans so tight, it made Richard Simmons pass out from a homosexual cerebral anurysm brought on by a single fantasy coming true. Holy Moses, this guy was lucky he didn't get testicular cancer just by trying to put on those jeans! Rumor has it, he had to dub his voice afterwards because of the change in voice once he got into those jeans.

So to finish off this movie re-review. There is a reason only TNT shows this movie. Just like the channel, IT SUCKS! if you have nothing else to do and you're thinking of dusting off this doggy pooper scooper, may I interest you in playing Russian Roulette with a pistol. Keep safe and dream big.