Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Remember when you were growing up and you had some bad days? I remember growing up and hearing on the radio songs that were meant to cheer people up. These songs were catchy. There was "Don't Worry Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin and "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips. You know full well you remember that song...."Some day somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye.Until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry.Dont you know? Dont you know things can change.Things'll go your way.If you hold on for one more day.Can you hold on for one more day.Things'll go your way.Hold on for one more day". You're an 80's kid and and you love it!

Anywho...What a bunch of garbage that was?! I'm talking smelly, oozing garbage juice and full of maggots garbage. For all I care Bobby McFerrin can get mugged and sodomized and the Wilson Phillips clan can drink a Clorox and Draino cocktail and go tap dancing on a mine field.

Things don't get better! They just get wierder. As always, I will use my life to demonstrate how the universe is crapping its pants and it doesn't care.

For a few years, I have had major catastraphic events every year! While other people go through these events maybe a few times throughout their life, I'm going through them like pudgy fat kid at the desert stand in Denny's, with no intention to stop.

Let's start off a few years ago. Back in 2006, my then-wife was driving my Ford Explorer from work. Out of nowhere, the steering wheel locked up and she literally destroyed the vehicle. Luckily, she walked away from the wreck. I also suffered a mini-stroke. A couple of months later, grandpa passed on. Finally, to finish off the year, my wife wanted to divorce me.

Let's move on to 2007. What a fun year! I started my year more depressed than Kurt Cobain with a shotgun and a thought. In May of that year I got sick and literally dropped dead. luckily, it was in an emergency room. Needless to say, my stay was like a scene from the movie "Hostle". When I finally got out of the hospital, a few weeks later, I was involved in an accident. I was rear ended by some idiot looking at a girl on the side of the road. To finally finish off the year, I got divorced.

Finally 2008... At this point, I'm running scared like the kids in the "Final Destination" movies.

To sum it all up, I got food poisoning, broke a rib, broke a finger, and got into two more accidents! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm the most unluckiest guy on the planet. My life is like "Survivor", a spanish soap opera, and "Sabado Gigante" all wrapped up into one.

You may ask," dude, has this messed you up?" I'll answer,"Nah, just don't give me a gun...." Life is too short and beautiful to let it go by and not enjoy the good parts of it.

Don't go thinking it's only the medication talking... Although, some of the stuff that I've taken would knock out a African Bull Elephant. I've actually opted to do it naturally. I really don't want to take the chance and grow dependant on the meds. Plus, I really can't remember much on meds.

Some of you may ask,"Well, where do you go from here?" To tell you the truth, I have no clue. That's what makes it so interesting. At times life is rough, I'll admit it. It feels like I'm walking through a thick fog ,near a cliff, and I'm dizzy. I feel sometimes like God put a "kick me " sign on my back. However, I don't like to lose, so I continue to fight.

Well, enough of that! Sorry about the delay in postings. I have a lot things going on, but I will try to keep up with my postings. Keep safe and dream big!

Father Knows Beast

Well, another week has gone and another weekend is upon us. Thank God for weekends and paydays! Work wasn't bad this week. It wasn't good either, but that's ok. I'll soon be doing upgrades to the blog. I want to make it more enjoyable.

Anywho, moving on to this week's entry. My best friend recently told me he is going to be a dad. I am really glad that God has finally decided to slap him upside the head with a little bundle of joy. Fatherhood teaches everyone the reality of what it is to be human.... WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!!!! Let me tell you a little about my buddy.

He is the most anti social person in the existence of the human race. He literally hates everything! Well, almost everything. He does like ESPN and beer. Anywho, it's hard to imagine him cuddling up to a defenseless little human being and be all cutesy. You may say, " Sam, aren't you being too rough?". I'll say to you," What are you crazy?!". This is the same guy who wore a t-shirt with an image of an alien embryo, dipped in formagahide in a glass jar on Freakin' Good Friday while he went to eat at a restaurant!!!!! This guy is as warm and fuzzy as a razor cut to the genitalia, while being sprayed with lemon juice and salt!! His favorite movie is probably "Faces of Death". As a matter of fact, it wasn't until recently that I pointed out to him that "The Exorcist" was not a musical comedy. His favorite Christian Rock Band is Pantera!

However, I know has is going to be a great dad. I am going to laugh myself into a coffin if it's a girl, though. He is going to be more protective than a super industrial strength Trojan condom. She'll be lucky to read or write by the age of 30. I can imagine him taking his daughter to the first day of school...with a 50cal. mounted on the minivan. Oh yes, the minivan. Nothing says I hate humanity and all it's rules like a minivan. He's going to learn to hate Barney with an absolute demonic hatred. He is going to love life. His existence as he knows it has ended.

He is going to learn that one little phrase will melt his heart ( i love you daddy). I truly am very happy for him. I wish him and his wife the best. They are going to make great parents.

Well, folks, that does it for me. Keep safe and dream big.

for my best friend Rod......

5 - Oh!

Well folks,

Here we are. Another week, another set of challenges. This week, I am going to try to drive deeper in the sea of insanity. Mind you, I'll start off at the shallow end and then take you into the deep end quickly. If you like it, stay in. If you don't like it, you can leave peacefully. However, if you do stay in the sea of sanity, please no peeing... and now, the insanity.

So there I was, minding my own business, surfing the Internet and looking at the news. That's when this worthless waste of information came up and hit me so hard it caused intellectual aneurysm. So it seems that cops in Chicago are getting in trouble for hitting fleeing criminals...oops, suspects... with their police cruiser. The fun part is that these cops have the videos of the incidents.

Now, before you think that I'm going to go on some political rampage, let's me reassure you that I'm not going to shove my political or religious beliefs down your throats. There are too many sites that do that.

So, back to the cops, I figure that the reason these guys are running from the cops is not because they were caught loitering. Police do take a lot of heat. Granted, there are so low-lives out there that give the boys in blue a bad name. They, however, are a few. The rest of them are constantly dealing with some seriously weird stuff. Their job is stressful enough, without putting limitations on how to protect the public from dirtbags who live only to make our lives miserable.

So in the spirit of American Ingenuity, I have come up with a plan to help the police enjoy their jobs a lot more and reduce the stress to nearly zero. So, I have developed five easy ways to help reduce the stress.

5. Not only are they allowed to ram the fleeing suspects, but the police cruisers will have those giant wheat tiller things that you see on the huge tractors in the midwest.

4. The police will now carry .50 cal Desert Eagle Handguns with phosphate-tipped Talon rounds.

3. Everyone will have a partner that is just like Mel Gibson's character from the Lethal Weapon movies.

2. All of them can now say, " Dead or alive you're coming with me!"

1. Four words... lifetime supply of doughnuts.

Before you go thinking that I'm all about defending everyone, let me tell you that I have had my run in with the law. For those of you familiar with driving in the Gunshine State ( this is not a typo), you all know that driving here is a nightmare. There are those of us who try to driving like normal people. So, there I was, driving towards my family's house ( on I-275, driving by the airport). The speed limit was 45mph. I was going 50mph, with the flow of traffic mind you. Out of nowhere, in my rear view mirror, I see a motorcycle cop. I pull over to let him pass, but to my surprise he was pulling me over! I'm thinking maybe something was wrong with my signal or something.

Before I continue, let me give you a visual of this gentleman. He was 6 foot plus. He must've wieghed at least 300lbs! When I saw him on his motorcycle, The only thing that I could think was how much he looked like a huge Kodiak Grizzly Bear, riding on a tricycle from the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus.

When he walked up to the car, I literally couldn't see his face. The only thing I could see was his gunbelt. This dude was gi-normous! I wasn't going to get stupid with Officer T.J. Hooker. ( ah yes, William Shatner's Golden Globe Gem). I handed over my license and registration over, as I trembled like a UFC pro fighter whose manhood and dignity have been taken by a sweet little old lady.

To say the truth, I was expecting him to give me a warning and send me on my way. Rather than that happening, I was left in the fetal position on the floor of my car. He gave me a $185 ticket!!!! I was 5 miles over the limit! Talk about hardball! The funny part was that he told me that my car looked like it was speeding. WHAT!!! I drive a Rav4. When people envision the Rav4, it is not speeding. I barely break evolution's speeding limit, let alone Tampa's speed limit.

Anyway, since Copzilla wasn't going to hear it. I shut it up and bit the bullet. As I left, all I can say is that I stopped at a Walmart and bought myself a radar detector. So if any of you visit Tampa,Fl be aware. Keep safe and dream big!

To Boldly Go...

Here’s something that has grabbed my attention today. Apparently, in Paris, France, astronomers have detected the presence of methane in the atmosphere of a planet, known by the tag of HD 189733b, some 63 light years from Earth. The team has also discovered the presence of water in its atmosphere.
Wow! That is flipping amazing! WHATEVER!!! How about this… Where the bloody blue blazes is Osama Bin Laden? Seven years after 9-11 and we still can’t find the douche bag. Are you kidding me?!!!! We can detect methane molecules in the atmosphere of a planet we will never get to see, but we can’t find a six foot tall Saudi Arabian with a 25 million dollar bounty on his head. He’s on freaking dialysis for Christ’s sake! Seven flipping years and still nothing. This guy is coming out with more videos than the Girls Gone Wild franchise and we still manage to botch it up and not capture him. What gives?
How about this…we turn those super telescopes and center in on the mountains of Afghanistan and Pakistan and look until the damned things fall out of the sky. Or even better… We get some trigger happy hunting country boys, their bloodhounds, an unlimited supply of ammo, and let them loose on that mountain range. Heck, I’ll even pay for the plane tickets! In no time flat, we will have him.
If you ask me, it seems the power that be do not want him found. Don’t take my paranoia at face value though. I have a funny feeling that we will find Bigfoot, Nessy, Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis, and the existence of aliens before we find this worthless waste of genetic material. Keep safe and dream big.

What ever Happened to........

Here's something... For those of you who are old enough to remember, do you remember WHAM! ? Of course you do, don't hide your age. George Michael became an overnight sensation with the women because of it. This is until he came flying out of the closet like Johnny Blaze from the Fantastic Four ( Flame On!) My question is not about him. It's about the other guy. The guy that no one can remember. I mean, I bet he's thinking everyday, " I was in a group with George Michael and even I can't remember my name!" No one even calls him up!
Another one is Miami Sound Machine. Oh stop, you know full well that you loved doing the Conga. We all know that Gloria Estefan became a hit, but who the heck was Miami Sound Machine?!
All I know is that these people contributed in the creation of a pop culture icon and they can't even get a free meal at Denny's. I can just imagine them in the line at the local DMV ,getting upset about it , and voicing their opinion. "Do you know who I am?" The response will be "no". Followed by who cares you loser.
So just remember, if you bump into them on the street ( they'll probably ask you for spare change). Be nice and acknowledge them. Google(c) their name first. That way you know who the hell they are. remember to say hi and walk away fast. Keep safe and dream big.