You've Got to be Kidding!

Ok. So, I was reading the news when I came across this bit of info. By the time you finish reading this entry, you'll either be appalled or laughing in stitches on the floor. It seems like a couple in Cesena, Italy were caught copulating in a confessional booth in a Roman Catholic Church. you may ask, so what's the big deal? Well... They were getting busy while the Bishop was celebrating mass! Holy Crap! That gives a new meaning to "second coming". I'm not a Catholic, but darn that's some messed up stuff. Why a church? I mean come on! Wow!

Anywho, so that incident got me thinking. What would possess a normal person to do incredibly stupid things? Another stupid incident happened in New York. Picture this, if you will. You're several thousands of feet off the ground and you're skydiving. Someone in the group is recording all the events that are transpiring that day. He is the only person on the team who is not wearing a parachute or skydiving gear. you jump out of the plane and seconds later you see a sack of human potatoes hurling pass you at speeds that would make the road runner pee its pants. Well, needless to say it was the "tard" with the video camera.

I really try to look at the positve side of humanity. I try to be nice to others, but how can you do that when people like these are out there. Another instance of people who aren't right is the case where a group of people in Canada are suing casinos because of their addiction to gambling! That's like a john sunig a hooker for his addiction to sex, a crackhead suing the drug dealer for his jonesing, or Kurt Cobaine suing the bullet maker for ending his life!

We really need to stop and think. We have our priorities all screwed up. We live in a world where criminals have more rights than the law abiding citizens. The Supreme Court has ruled that those caught and imprisoned in Gitmo have the right to civilian courts. While we're at it, why don't we give them the acess codes to launch our nuclear arsenal. For crying out loud! Alot of these people who were released went back and picked up weapons to fight against us! Oh well...

The world is a strange place. I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow I see in the news that the Pope himself is cutting a gangsta rap album. All I have to say is that it is up to us to point out to the morons that they're messing up. Apparently, someone needs to tell them that they are village idiots. Who knows, maybe that will help them from snapping out of the "duhhh" spell they're under. If Darwin were alive, I would've spit in his face and ask him to explain what's going on!

Well folks, I want to say thanks to all of those folks who go out of their way to read my entries and agree with my insanity. It helps feel alot better that there are other out there. Keep safe and dream big.

uhh...Houston,We Have a Problem...

Well, the weekend is finally here! But, before you go of on your fun filled weekend, I would like for you to take a moment to reflect and offer your prayers to all those American heroes. Let's also pray for those poor and unfortunate unsung heroes, the astronauts. I bet its tough in space with the only toilet on the ISS being broken. I can just imagine when they found out it was broken. I can just imagine the conversation.
Astronaut 1:"Dude, who used the bathroom last?
Astronaut 2:"Why, what's wrong?"
Astronaut 1:"What's wrong is that there's a flippin' huge mud snake floating through the station!"
Astronaut 2:"Dude, that's nasty!"
Astronaut 1:"Tell me about it. I thought we were being invaded by those things from "Aliens"."
You thought you had it bad when you couldn't find a parking space at Walmart. These guys are being told to hold it in until the shuttle gets there. It's not like they can call Roto Router and have them come and fix the darned thing. That's gotta suck!
Go figure, They made this thing that costs billions of dollars and these rocket scientists could figure out that it would be wise to put in an extra toilet. They're shooting up a lab that costs over $500,000,000! Yet, they can't send up a $50 toilet! Jeeze!!!!!
I figure they can stick their butts out a hatch and shoot crap-meteors down to earth. That most definitely would get their attention. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. I know how angry I was when my toilet was down and the plumber told me that he would be there the next day.
So, the next time you have a problem in your busy day, just remember above you they are people with some serious "crap" going on in their lives. Let's just hope they can fix it quickly.Keep safe and dream big.

Only $19.95 For a Limited Time!

We're already half way through the year! This year has gone by faster than a thought of abstenance by a prom queen on prom night. As I sat here, at my desk at work, it dawned on me that I have to do my part to help save the world from itself. Before you go thinking that I'm going to dress up in spandex and run around fighting crime, let me assure that I'm not going to. I look terrible in spandex and I'm allergic to death.

I am reffering to trying to make my life less complicated in this day and age. Food is becoming expensive and gas has gotten to the point of just plain stupid. I would love to see how superheroes would function if they were real world. Batman would be mad as all blazes everytime the commisioner would call him. The Batmobile doesn't look like it's a hybrid. I bet it get like 7 feet per gallon. I can just imagine Batman fueling up that baby. I bet he's angry that he didn't buy a Japanese Import.

Anywho... Milk is also getting expensive. The other day, I asked the cashier at a local supermarket if I was paying for the cow's calves college tuition. Before you know it, milk will be on the New York Stock Exchange. It's going to be up there along with tech stock and precious metals.

I guess it's all good, though. Let's face it, the last two decades we have dedicated ourselves to become a really fat nation. We should thank those parasitic, low lives, armpit smelling, Opec execs for making gas so expensive. That way, we'll be obligated to leave our cars at home and actually bike our way to work, shopping, and anywhere else we need to go. They made it so impossible for farmers to use their tractors to harvest the food and to milk the cows that we are being forced to eat less. The way I see it, we will be a nation of ultra fit, super strong Americans within ten years. We will not need tanks or guns to go to war with. We'll have our brute strength. We'll be a nation of Hulks.

So if the other nations of the world hate us now, wait till they get a load of America Version 2.0. They'll pee their pants when they mess with us. Of course this is just wishful thinking. A man can dream though. At least dreaming is still free. Keep safe and dream big!

And Now, Our Feature Presentation

So the other day, I sat down and I watched a movie that totally disturbed me. It wasn't because of the nudity ( because it didn't have any). Nor was it because of it's super violent content ( it was as bad as a G.I. Joe cartoon). It disturbed me because it made me realize that we were a bunch of d-three for ever even imagining that it was a good flick. The movie I'm talking about is Sylvester Stallone's Oscar-winning gem "Cobra". I have seen some serious crap in my life, but WOW! This cinematic gonorrhea borders on the line of shear torture! The opening of the movie reminded me of a politically-oriented Duran Duran video.

So I know what you're asking. Why didn't you just turn off the stupid thing? To tell you the truth, I was drawn to it. It's the same attraction as when you minding your own business and you see a dog taking a crap on the street. You don't want to see it, but you wonder how big of a crap it's going to be.

Anyway, back to the movie... I found that the movie served up the load of vomit-gumbo right at the beginning with the scene where a psycho is holding a store full of hostages and "Cobra" appears. Cobra makes his way through the store, with a matchstick in his mouth and delivers a line that gives Orsen Wells' immortal exclamation "Rosebud" a run for it's money. As the psycho goes into his own little world and rambles off better than Dennis Miller talking about politics, Cobra informs the thug "You're a disease - and I'm the cure." Then, he blows him away with a custom .45 Magnum. Holy crap! They should make an amendment to the Bible and add that to the Psalms of David!

Let's not forget the clothing styles of good ole' 1986. Stallone was wearing jeans so tight, it made Richard Simmons pass out from a homosexual cerebral anurysm brought on by a single fantasy coming true. Holy Moses, this guy was lucky he didn't get testicular cancer just by trying to put on those jeans! Rumor has it, he had to dub his voice afterwards because of the change in voice once he got into those jeans.

So to finish off this movie re-review. There is a reason only TNT shows this movie. Just like the channel, IT SUCKS! if you have nothing else to do and you're thinking of dusting off this doggy pooper scooper, may I interest you in playing Russian Roulette with a pistol. Keep safe and dream big.

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Remember when you were growing up and you had some bad days? I remember growing up and hearing on the radio songs that were meant to cheer people up. These songs were catchy. There was "Don't Worry Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin and "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips. You know full well you remember that song...."Some day somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye.Until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry.Dont you know? Dont you know things can change.Things'll go your way.If you hold on for one more day.Can you hold on for one more day.Things'll go your way.Hold on for one more day". You're an 80's kid and and you love it!

Anywho...What a bunch of garbage that was?! I'm talking smelly, oozing garbage juice and full of maggots garbage. For all I care Bobby McFerrin can get mugged and sodomized and the Wilson Phillips clan can drink a Clorox and Draino cocktail and go tap dancing on a mine field.

Things don't get better! They just get wierder. As always, I will use my life to demonstrate how the universe is crapping its pants and it doesn't care.

For a few years, I have had major catastraphic events every year! While other people go through these events maybe a few times throughout their life, I'm going through them like pudgy fat kid at the desert stand in Denny's, with no intention to stop.

Let's start off a few years ago. Back in 2006, my then-wife was driving my Ford Explorer from work. Out of nowhere, the steering wheel locked up and she literally destroyed the vehicle. Luckily, she walked away from the wreck. I also suffered a mini-stroke. A couple of months later, grandpa passed on. Finally, to finish off the year, my wife wanted to divorce me.

Let's move on to 2007. What a fun year! I started my year more depressed than Kurt Cobain with a shotgun and a thought. In May of that year I got sick and literally dropped dead. luckily, it was in an emergency room. Needless to say, my stay was like a scene from the movie "Hostle". When I finally got out of the hospital, a few weeks later, I was involved in an accident. I was rear ended by some idiot looking at a girl on the side of the road. To finally finish off the year, I got divorced.

Finally 2008... At this point, I'm running scared like the kids in the "Final Destination" movies.

To sum it all up, I got food poisoning, broke a rib, broke a finger, and got into two more accidents! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm the most unluckiest guy on the planet. My life is like "Survivor", a spanish soap opera, and "Sabado Gigante" all wrapped up into one.

You may ask," dude, has this messed you up?" I'll answer,"Nah, just don't give me a gun...." Life is too short and beautiful to let it go by and not enjoy the good parts of it.

Don't go thinking it's only the medication talking... Although, some of the stuff that I've taken would knock out a African Bull Elephant. I've actually opted to do it naturally. I really don't want to take the chance and grow dependant on the meds. Plus, I really can't remember much on meds.

Some of you may ask,"Well, where do you go from here?" To tell you the truth, I have no clue. That's what makes it so interesting. At times life is rough, I'll admit it. It feels like I'm walking through a thick fog ,near a cliff, and I'm dizzy. I feel sometimes like God put a "kick me " sign on my back. However, I don't like to lose, so I continue to fight.

Well, enough of that! Sorry about the delay in postings. I have a lot things going on, but I will try to keep up with my postings. Keep safe and dream big!