SuperBowel

Have you ever had a situation in which you knew the outcome was not going to be good? We've all had that experience. No matter how hard we try, the situation gets worse. It's like destiny gets her kicks on putting you in these situtations and then giggles until she pees on herself, watching you try to remedy the fiasco that is unfolding in front of you.

Now, before I continue, some of you I may gross out. The subject that I'm going to cover is an actual experience. I have not made anything up. It's just sad that this happened to me. So, with that said, you've been warned...

Back in my Navy days, I was notorious for getting myself into situtations that required a miracle to get out of. It wasn't that I looked for them, they just happened. I was checking into a new command. I felt that I needed to start off on the right foot. That morning, I had a big breakfast, I left early, and checked into the command welcome center. I was off to different meetings throughout the day.

Later on that day, I had a big lunch. It was the kind of lunch that you knew was going to cause problems later in the day. However, I thought nothing of it and went on to meet with the Master Chief of the Hospital I was going to be working in. About five minutes into the chat, I felt as though the gates of hell had opened up. My stomach felt as if someone dropped a five pound tablet of Aka Seltzer into it. It was rumbling louder than race cars at the start of the Pepsi 500. I broke out in a cold sweat that reminded me of the feeling that R Kelly felt when he was first indicted on child molestation charges. I felt like someone dumped a bucket of ice-cold water over my back. My nipples got so hard, it looked as if I was smuggling Duracell batteries under my shirt. It was the worse day of my life.

To make matters even more worse, the Master Chief wouldn't let up on talking. This guy broke out the album and decided to take me down memory lane. I was looking for the first rest stop on this road, but the next exit was never. He kept talking about when he first started and I began to have contractions. I even broke into Lamaze Breathing! My pupils became constricted and I felt my heart racing as if I had just finished an Iron Man Competition. My voice trembled as I spoke. I could literally feel my intestines being stretched to the breaking point.

Now, I know you're asking"why didn't you ask to go to the bathroom?". My response is " how do you explain to your boss that you have to use the bathroom to take the most horrific apocalyptic dump ever know to mankind?!". I stood there agonizing for what seemed an eternity. I saw my life flash before my eyes twice. I thought that the pain would never end.

I began to mentally pray. I was never a religious person, but I found God that day. I made promises I knew I couldn't keep. I promised my first born. I literally begged for forgiveness for ALL my sins since childbirth. I promised to spoon feed the homeless and to cure Herpes in my spare time. I was a desperate man. I must've prayed to Jehovah, God, Jesus, Allah, Sheba, Buddha, Zeus, Odin, and Chuck Norris on that day.

My prayers were answered when his secretary came in and interrupted his reminiscing. I quickly excused myself and made a bee line for the bathroom. Forty-five minutes later, I emerged from the stall light as a feather. My clothes even fit better! I had a grin from ear to ear. I was so tired that I nearly fell asleep afterwards. My legs felt like cooked spaghetti. However, I was triumphant.

It goes to show that things can happen in the blink of an eye... or brown eye. We must always be prepared to take on new challenges and rise to the occasion..or sit down. Well folks, enough with the poop jokes. Please feel free to drop me a comment. Maybe there is something you want to hear my rant about. Let me know. Have a great week and as always.... Keep safe and dream big.