Beaner 2009-Third Ad

Happy Ramahanikwanzistmas Kipur and a Happy New Year! Part 2

Hey crazy cats,

Well, it's less than a month before Christmas and people are going crazy buying gifts. This time of year is meant to enjoy, not meant to go criminally insane. Yet, every year.we fall into the commercial market's evil web. We always say that this year we aren't going to fall for the traps, but we do. We are as helpless as Clay Aiken to a YMCA shower room.

When we finally get our gifts and make it home, the battle begins. We haul in the U Haul full of gifts into the house and try not to let anyone see the gifts. We invent new places to hide these gifts. We look like squirrels hiding nuts , when it comes to gifts. Its like the obstacle course on Double Dare when it comes time to find the gifts we've hidden.

Then, the real hell begins....Decorating the house!!! Granted, some of us are conservative when it comes to "dressing" up the house. However, we are Americans. That means that we will always try to outdo the other guy. We get out the thousands of miles of Christmas lights and embark on a journey that few have returned sane from. We risk life and limb to put the lights on our house. If your Puerto Rican, don't bother we already have them up from last year. We never bother to bring them down. Anyway, once we endure the cursing up several different storms, the constant nagging of the renegade blown bulb, and the several near death experiences we are finally done with fixing up the outside of the house.

The funny thing is that the job is half done. Next, we get into the car and drive to the edge of the universe. This is all because your love of your life, the one you cherish, the person that's is going to go missing and end up on the news and amber alerts, heard of a store that sells beautiful real Christmas Trees. You know full well this this odyssey is going to end up with someone saying something, in anger, that should've been kept to oneself. Oh well, tis the season.

You finally arrive at the place ( it's right next to Jimmy Hoffas body). You see so many trees. You realize that you're going to spend the next seven hours looking at trees. You wonder what the difference is between them. A trees is a tree, right? WRONG!!!! Apparently, modern science has made it where you can pretty much chose from a billion selections! And you thought going shoe shopping was a nightmare.

After, what seems like an eternity, you get the tree you want. Paul Bunyon comes out and whacks it down for you ( squirrel, crows, and all). They strap the giant Redwood to the top of your rag top Mazda Miata (good luck on driving it home with all the crazies on the road). You notice that the price for the tree is more than an RV Motor home. So after you sell your dignity and do something that you pray doesn't make it on YouTube, you leave crying with your tail between your legs. And to think, this is all the beginning. Don't you just love the holidays? Keep safe and dream big.

Beaner 2009-Second Ad

Silver Ball In The Air...

Hey crazy cats! So here I am. We are one week away from Thanksgiving. The holidays are almost upon us. 2007 started off kind of rocky and then it just got worse. Rising gas prices, a never ending war , and pregnant man plagued our news media. As for me, I think I finally made a turn for the better. My life is looking really good and I feel great. Hopefully, 2009 will be the year of Sam.

Well, today I stood home from work because I felt a little sick. It could be the change in weather or it could be the fact that I ate 12 sushi rolls. All I know is that I pleased the porcelain god today. I realized that a day home from work is like a day home from school. I just sat around the house and did nothing. I literally drifted in and out of sleep throughout the day. When I was conscience, I managed to log on to YouTube and watch some old episodes of "You Can't Do That On Television". That's right, I watched that show. Hey look, if you don't want to admit that when no body's looking you do the same, that's OK. At least I'm happy to say that I'm that flipping crazy to admit it.

It brought back so many memories of my youth. I remember when my mom used to steal cable from the next door neighbors and we used to watch it. I used to sit in front of the TV every Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. As stated before, I was an 80's kid. In other words, the TV was my nanny. I was easily amused by the often lame Canadian humor that was brought into my home, thanks to Nickelodeon and the stolen cable.

I was jumping for joy when one of the cast members would "slip up" and say the word water. I would pee my pants in delight when someone would utter the words "I don't know?". To me, the show was way ahead of its time. It would tackle subjects that would be current, but put it into a way that young kids would understand. If you have never seen the show, then go over to YouTube and check it out. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

I loved every sketch on the show. I loved the opposites, Barfs Burgers, the locker jokes, the executions, the bum looking dad, and there's still more to the show. The show was nicely written, without being to condescending to children. It would keep a kid glued to the TV for the half hour duration.

By now, I know that alot of you, who have watched the show, are remembering your favorite parts or episodes. This show is up there with Dangermouse, Thundercats, He-Man, Transformers, G.I. Joe, Murder She Wrote.... wait a minute....let's skip that last one. Well, you get the gist of it.

It was done during a time when it was fun to watch television. The show didn't rely on product placement, violence, sex, or anything offensive to be a delight. I wish that television would go back to that. That's one of the reasons I gave up watching television over five years ago. Way too much garbage on.

Well folks, I'm calling this one done. You all take care. I'll see you this weekend, hopefully, for another edition of SamVidBlog News. Keep those votes coming in. Every vote counts. Come back often. There's going to be more campaign commercials. It's going to be alot of fun. We are going to get alot weirder. Keep safe and dream big!

Beaner 2009

Johnny Cochran, Where Are You!

Today's entry is going to be one of sheer anger. I can't believe, even in this day and age, the ignorance of displayed still by some individuals. Now, before I go any further, let state that my girlfriend and her friend were present when this crime against humanity and God was committed. I was honestly not doing a thing wrong.

We went to the Improv in Ybor City. It was a good show. The comics were really good. We were laughing from start to finish. If anyone is looking for a good show, and you are in Tampa, Fl., stop by. You will not be disappointed. Anyway, Melissa had a couple and so did her friend. I was the DD. I figured it was the wise thing to do. As we left the show, she asked me to go get the car, while she waited. After all, I was not going to make her walk a couple of blocks in heels. After all, I do have some intelligence.

I shuffled quickly through the neighborhood. A Puerto Rican in the wrong part of town is a really bad thing. I made it to the car and proceeded to go and pick up he girls. I drove like I was on my way to the Proctologist. I wasn't going to risk anything to this car. As I pull up to the curb, I notice a police cruiser behind me. I didn't think anything of it. They file in and we make our way back home...or so I thought.

Half way down the block, the police code bars go on and he's signaling me to pull over. We are all baffled in the car. Why the heck is this guy pulling us over. Then, I remembered. I'm PUERTO RICAN! Apparently, it is a serious crime to be Puerto Rican in Ybor City. I am considered worse than a terrorist with explosives at the Vatican!

As he approached the vehicle, the rest of the car's passengers wondered what was going on. He immediately asked for my license, registration, and proof of insurance. He never once told us what we did wrong. I guess he was making everything up as he went along. I realized that I had become a victim of racial profiling.

I don't understand how we fit the description. My music wasn't playing loud, there were no gaggle of children all over the back street, or even the street glow lights. Hell, I didn't even have the goofy Puerto Rican flag hanging from the rearview mirror. So officer T.J. Hooker decided to be a total douche bag. I stood shut because I didn't want the women to get dirty from all my blood and brain matter spraying everywhere.

Now, here's the kick to the head. I wasn't given the ticket. My girlfriend was given the ticket! I guess he wanted to show that white girls aren't supposed to date hispanics. Maybe if she sat in the back seat, the policeman would've thought that I was her driver. Oh well, the world will never know.

From here on in, we're taking the video camera wherever we go. YouTube is going to be my new friend. I am not causing trouble. I'm just insuring that trouble leaves me alone. Too bad Johnny Cochran is dead. At least I know that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Well folks, sorry about he sriuosness of the entry. I just needed to vent some. This is the only way I know that I can vent and not get arrested. Ok folks, stay tuned, hopefully we'll record and post a show this weekend. By the way, I know that there were problems with last week's show. I heard that the problem has been solved. So, take a look at it, if you haven't. On that note, keep safe and dream big!

The Last Piece

Okay....So there you are sitting in the bathroom. A minute goes by and (splash....splash) Aww the relief it feels so good to release the frustrations of the world into your toilet. (Splash....splash) there goes some more! A good ten minutes roll around and you're still there!

But all of a sudden you realize the water splashing back up from the bowl starts to feel cold on your bottom. You imagine your bottom with little sprinkles of poo on it and start grabbing toilet paper by the handful.....

Pulling and whipping and pulling and whipping some more.......the walls seem to be closing in on you and the smell is so detrimental to your health you'll have to take a shower! But it's 3 in the morning. So respectfully you wanna wait til people are awake...So sitting there you decide let me just wipe and get up!

Looking at the roll there's nothing left but one square. You figure if you look at the empty roll long enough magically it will appear...NOT....So there you are in the dark in the bathroom with a bowl full to the brim and sprinkles of poo somewhat still on your bottom.....The you look at that little brown roll with one piece of square toilet paper looking back at you....

F.Y.I

It pays to have an extra roll in your bathroom with plenty of spray and if you're ever stuck in this situation....Go ahead and jump in the shower....

Besos

3D

Happy Ramahanikwanzistmas Kipur and a Happy New Year! Part 1

For those of you who think this time of year is the most joyous time of year, let me remind you of the headaches that this holiday season brings. First of all, we now live in an age where we must be careful how we greet one another. It used to be "Merry Christmas". Then, it changed to "Happy Holidays". Now, I have the foggiest idea of how we should greet each other. However, if you don't greet anyone, then you're considered a jerk. I don't get it. With that being said, I'm just going to focus on Christmas. I'll ask my friends to tackle another one.

Christmas time. The time of year when we reflect on the experiences obtained that year and the hope that the next year will be more prosperous than the current. We all know the Biblical stories of of the Messiah was born in a manger and how this time should be to reflect on the idea of peace on earth. All in all, it's a very noble concept. We all know it isn't like that.

First of all, the Christmas shopping! This event does not promote peace on earth. Far from it! let me give you all a rundown of how things really happen. You get into the car with your spouse/significant other and make your way to the mall. From the moment the keys enter the ignition, your loved one is bothering you. She/he is complaining about the way you drive. You try to explain that the 90 year old lady doesn't need to drive like a maniac and not use her blinker when she changes lane. It gets to the point where you want to push them out of the moving car and onto the highway, hoping a semi truck will shut them the heck up!

You finally get there and the mall looks like a mental hospital that is going through a riot! Parking is the ultimate test in patience. By the time you spot a parking spot, you at the point where you'll kill the Virgin Mary herself if she even tries to take your spot. As you exit your car, you mumble "I'm sorry" You know full well both of you are going to go at it like two deranged WWE Wrestlers before the end of the day.

The rest of the day involves getting gifts for everyone, to include people you had no idea you knew. The process is slower than evolution itself and you just wish that you could step into traffic and end it all. You fill up at least three shopping carts full of gifts and you haven't even gotten around to gifts for yourself or your loved one. You proceed to the check out line.

When you walk up to it, you notice that for the next several hours, you will be stuck in a line that is going to make you go postal. By the time you reach the disgruntled teenager cashier, you'll be so mad that you will literally tear her head off and slam it on the ground if she even makes the simplest mistake.

So after an eternity in that check out line, you make your way back to your car and try to fit all those gifts into the trunk and the back seat. Finally, a sigh of relief comes over you. You realize that you're nearly out of hell and you're going back to the solace and comfort of you home. However, like Saw's Jigsaw, there is one more obstacle you must face in order to make it out alive. A worthless used tampon has parked so close to your car that it seems physically impossible to get into your car. You even contemplate getting in your car "Dukes of Hazzard" like. After an small arguement with your soon to be ex, you open the door, while doing your best impression of the Incredible Hulk ( Hulk smash!).

By now, you're in you car. Your sweety pie is calling the cops to put a restraining order on you as soon as you both get back to the house. In an instant, it dawns on you why the old lady was driving like a maniac. She also was at the mall. And to think, this is just the beginning of the holiday season. Keep safe and dream big!

Here Comes The Boom!

So there I was, reading the news on my work time, when I came across this bit of interesting news. It seems like in Berlin, Germany a 22 year old man, who was heartbroken over a recent breakup with his girlfriend, tried to commit suicide by opening all the gas taps in his apartment. The only problem was that his ex-girlfriend came by to pick up her stuff. Here's is where it get interesting. As she went into the building, she let a cigarette. Needless to say, A small boom was heard in Australia. The explosion leveled half the building! It injured 15 and killed one person! The depressed lover and his ex escaped the blasted with minor injuries. A court clerk stated that the injured nitwit lover didn't realize that the gas would cause such destruction. He is now charged with murder, grievous bodily harm and being a complete and utter village idiot.

I know that love will make you do very stupid things. I know that being heartbroken seems like the end of life to some people. Why would anyone choose to blow up half the neighborhood to get back at a significant other is beyond me. Can you imagine if instead of getting her stuff she was going to the apartment to reconcile? That would have been the ultimate"I'm glad I didn't get to do that" moment.

Being heartbroken isn't really the end. I remember when I went through my divorce, I hit rock bottom. I didn't care what happened to me. I was so sick and tired of life. However, I made it a point to show everyone that I could overcome any adversity. I put on my game face on and faced life head on. Take no prisoners! By the grace of God, I made it!

So folks, what's the worse breakup you have been through. Please share your stories. I know that there are extremely funny stories out there. Truth be told, I'm in a slump and I need new material. So...get to typing and share those emotional scabs so we can pick at them. As always, I hope everyone out there has a great day. Keep safe and dream big!

Fortified with 9 Vitamins and Minerals!

There are things in life that will make anybody squirm upon hearing it. The following entry is pretty gross. So, if you have a weak stomach, I suggest you look away and wait for the next entry. With that said, Let me begin the story.

On Saturday, I became thirsty and got me a soda. This is a usual event for billions of people around the world. I popped it open and began to drink from it. I noticed that the flavor was slightly off, but I didn't mind. I kept on. About half way through the can, I felt something in my mouth. At first, I thought it was something that I had eaten and finally made its way towards my stomach. However, something told me to talk a closer look.

The first thing that came into my mind was that I had somehow inhaled a gnat. This usually happens to people when they talk outside. Yet, this felt too big to be a gnat. I spat it out to take a look at it. To my horror, it was the one thing that I never imagined to be in the soda. It was a nightmare to accept what just had happen. I HAD JUST DRANK A SODA FILLED WITH MAGGOTS!!!! The bad part was that I was halfway done with the can!

It is needless to say that I didn't stop vomiting until I felt my soul coming out with the heaving. I nearly passed out from all the stress. The las t time I had thrown up like that was when I ate maggots when I was 17 years old. That's right, you read right. This was my second time! I couldn't believe it either.

My life has been filled with events that would cause anyone else to seek medical help for the traumatic disorders caused by the events. I don't know why, but I think that I'm God's favorite toy. I don't mind it. It makes for an interesting life.

So the next time you have a bad day, remember this... Yours is nothing compared to mine. Trust me, your life is good compared to mine. I don't complain about it, but know that. Anyway, I hope you all have a great week. Remember to vote for your favorite SamVidBlog News Anchor. You're gonna see some campaign commercials going up. Just be aware that we're sailing into the madness known as Sam's Paradise. Have a good one folks. Keep safe and dream big!

SamVidBlog News for 11/08/08

Fashion Terrorism

Hey crazy cats! This week has proven to be a very busy week. However, I have manage to witness some things that would be considered, by others, to be a crime. Take, for instance, my case in point. Have you ever met someone who seriously needs to tone down the way they dress. You all know what I'm talking about. There's always that one person you know that either shows more cleavage than legally allowable, the wear their pants so tight that you can tell their religion, or they wear so much make up that they put Tammy Fay Baker to shame. They go through life committing crimes against fashion humanity! The funny parts is that they don't even know that they are doing it! This is the ultimate in tackiness!


My story isn't about a woman who is more tacky than saltwater taffy. It is about a GUY! We, at the clinic, all know who he is. He comes in dressed like Morris Day on speed! His lack in taste is only second to his courage to wear the most insane clothing on the planet. Not even the most flamboyant homosexual male would dare to wear the clothes he does ( not even in private!) It's amazing that he hasn't made anyone scream in terror or even rip their eyes out.
Let me give examples of the sheer audacity the this individual has perpetrated against our sanity.

• He glues glitter on the tips of his shoes! Holy Jesus H. "tapdancing" Christ! Who would ever do such a thing?!!!
• He once wore gray tuxedo pants with a cheap UnderArmour knock-off t-shirt! Feed me nails and call me Rusty!
• He finds it ok to wear dress pants and a dress shirt with white sneakers! Where's the gun? I'm gonna put him out of his misery.
• He owns a sky blue long coat with fake fur collar and cuffs! Now you're getting ridiculous!
• He has more shoes than the Chinese Army! Someone call Oprah! the boy needs counceling!
• Pinstipes are always in fashion with him! Now, I'm mad!!!

The man is a walking El DeBarge video! He makes us laugh every morning when he arrives. He's like a train wreck! We've tried to tell him to tone down. It was like giving Hellen Keller directions and the keys to the car. If the folks at Queer Eye were ever to get a hold of him, they'd all committ suicide! There is NO makeover for homeboy! Milli Vanilli were Amish next to this guy.

I thought I've seen everything. This guy's wardrobe has more color in it than there ARE colors! The thing is that they are all bright and neon colors. The 80's have nothing on this dude. i don't know why he thinks he is attracting women. The only thing he is attracting is a group of spectators like at the scene of a homicide.

So... here I am. I'm asking everyone of you. Help me! We need advise on how to get through to Mr.Prince and Revolution. All your suggestions will be duly noted. In the meantime, I'll keep my barf bag handy. Keep safe and dream big!