uhh...Houston,We Have a Problem...

Well, the weekend is finally here! But, before you go of on your fun filled weekend, I would like for you to take a moment to reflect and offer your prayers to all those American heroes. Let's also pray for those poor and unfortunate unsung heroes, the astronauts. I bet its tough in space with the only toilet on the ISS being broken. I can just imagine when they found out it was broken. I can just imagine the conversation.
Astronaut 1:"Dude, who used the bathroom last?
Astronaut 2:"Why, what's wrong?"
Astronaut 1:"What's wrong is that there's a flippin' huge mud snake floating through the station!"
Astronaut 2:"Dude, that's nasty!"
Astronaut 1:"Tell me about it. I thought we were being invaded by those things from "Aliens"."
You thought you had it bad when you couldn't find a parking space at Walmart. These guys are being told to hold it in until the shuttle gets there. It's not like they can call Roto Router and have them come and fix the darned thing. That's gotta suck!
Go figure, They made this thing that costs billions of dollars and these rocket scientists could figure out that it would be wise to put in an extra toilet. They're shooting up a lab that costs over $500,000,000! Yet, they can't send up a $50 toilet! Jeeze!!!!!
I figure they can stick their butts out a hatch and shoot crap-meteors down to earth. That most definitely would get their attention. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. I know how angry I was when my toilet was down and the plumber told me that he would be there the next day.
So, the next time you have a problem in your busy day, just remember above you they are people with some serious "crap" going on in their lives. Let's just hope they can fix it quickly.Keep safe and dream big.

Only $19.95 For a Limited Time!

We're already half way through the year! This year has gone by faster than a thought of abstenance by a prom queen on prom night. As I sat here, at my desk at work, it dawned on me that I have to do my part to help save the world from itself. Before you go thinking that I'm going to dress up in spandex and run around fighting crime, let me assure that I'm not going to. I look terrible in spandex and I'm allergic to death.

I am reffering to trying to make my life less complicated in this day and age. Food is becoming expensive and gas has gotten to the point of just plain stupid. I would love to see how superheroes would function if they were real world. Batman would be mad as all blazes everytime the commisioner would call him. The Batmobile doesn't look like it's a hybrid. I bet it get like 7 feet per gallon. I can just imagine Batman fueling up that baby. I bet he's angry that he didn't buy a Japanese Import.

Anywho... Milk is also getting expensive. The other day, I asked the cashier at a local supermarket if I was paying for the cow's calves college tuition. Before you know it, milk will be on the New York Stock Exchange. It's going to be up there along with tech stock and precious metals.

I guess it's all good, though. Let's face it, the last two decades we have dedicated ourselves to become a really fat nation. We should thank those parasitic, low lives, armpit smelling, Opec execs for making gas so expensive. That way, we'll be obligated to leave our cars at home and actually bike our way to work, shopping, and anywhere else we need to go. They made it so impossible for farmers to use their tractors to harvest the food and to milk the cows that we are being forced to eat less. The way I see it, we will be a nation of ultra fit, super strong Americans within ten years. We will not need tanks or guns to go to war with. We'll have our brute strength. We'll be a nation of Hulks.

So if the other nations of the world hate us now, wait till they get a load of America Version 2.0. They'll pee their pants when they mess with us. Of course this is just wishful thinking. A man can dream though. At least dreaming is still free. Keep safe and dream big!

And Now, Our Feature Presentation

So the other day, I sat down and I watched a movie that totally disturbed me. It wasn't because of the nudity ( because it didn't have any). Nor was it because of it's super violent content ( it was as bad as a G.I. Joe cartoon). It disturbed me because it made me realize that we were a bunch of d-three for ever even imagining that it was a good flick. The movie I'm talking about is Sylvester Stallone's Oscar-winning gem "Cobra". I have seen some serious crap in my life, but WOW! This cinematic gonorrhea borders on the line of shear torture! The opening of the movie reminded me of a politically-oriented Duran Duran video.

So I know what you're asking. Why didn't you just turn off the stupid thing? To tell you the truth, I was drawn to it. It's the same attraction as when you minding your own business and you see a dog taking a crap on the street. You don't want to see it, but you wonder how big of a crap it's going to be.

Anyway, back to the movie... I found that the movie served up the load of vomit-gumbo right at the beginning with the scene where a psycho is holding a store full of hostages and "Cobra" appears. Cobra makes his way through the store, with a matchstick in his mouth and delivers a line that gives Orsen Wells' immortal exclamation "Rosebud" a run for it's money. As the psycho goes into his own little world and rambles off better than Dennis Miller talking about politics, Cobra informs the thug "You're a disease - and I'm the cure." Then, he blows him away with a custom .45 Magnum. Holy crap! They should make an amendment to the Bible and add that to the Psalms of David!

Let's not forget the clothing styles of good ole' 1986. Stallone was wearing jeans so tight, it made Richard Simmons pass out from a homosexual cerebral anurysm brought on by a single fantasy coming true. Holy Moses, this guy was lucky he didn't get testicular cancer just by trying to put on those jeans! Rumor has it, he had to dub his voice afterwards because of the change in voice once he got into those jeans.

So to finish off this movie re-review. There is a reason only TNT shows this movie. Just like the channel, IT SUCKS! if you have nothing else to do and you're thinking of dusting off this doggy pooper scooper, may I interest you in playing Russian Roulette with a pistol. Keep safe and dream big.