Life is a Beach

Hey crazy cats! The holidays are all over us like head lice on a trailer park trash kid. We have endured the storm that is known as 2008. For most of us, it has been a year full of trials and tribulations. For others (like myself), it has been a year of enlightenment. I've learned so much in a year. I am willing to say more than I have learned over the last ten years. Father once said, " If you can't achieve it with love, you can't ever achieve it.". I believe it to be true. Many of my friends have worried about me over the last couple of years. I know that today they breath alot easier as they see the storm finally passing in my life. It has been a very bumpy road, but I'm very happy with the things that are happening. Everything that happens in life , in essence, is a stone needed to construct a bridge needed to cross the great divide that separates man from his creator.

Before you go thinking I'm getting too whatever, let me assure you that I'm not a Bible-thumping person who thinks that everyone is going to hell if they don't accept my way of thought. Trust me, I'm very far from that. I just want to share some of the stuff that has helped me enrich my life and is part of something that make me who I am.

For starters, if you hadn't noticed, I love laughing at things that would anger alot of people. I think that if do not have a sense of humor or the ability to laugh at life's ugly moments, then you are bound to suffer alot. not meaning to say I haven't got issues. God only knows I have more issues than "The New Yorker". This was put to the test during and after my divorce. This moment, up to date, has been the most destructive event that has happened in my life. People have asked me if I hate my ex-wife for the way she destroyed our marriage. I can honestly say no. I wish her the best in life. I gave all my love, all my soul, all of my being to our marriage, but it wasn't enough. I would have given anything, at the time, to save the one thing that God gave me that I loved with all my heart. She once said that love never fails. Truth be told, she is right. However, something else failed. It was the faith in that things could get better with effort is what failed. I was willing to seek help. She wanted out. I learned you can't love for two people. I have no regrets.

So here I am two and a half years into the single life. It has been a very strange time. Things have changed since last I was single. Women have become very aggressive. That's cool... to a certain extent. Call me old-fashioned, I guess. Yet, a new sun has risen in my life. A new relationship has taken root. Am I afraid? Is a turkey afraid of November? However, I am not a coward. I push forward. I want to see what's beyond the horizon.

I do like my life. I think it's wonderful that although life throws you some pretty ugly fastballs, if you want, you can be better than before you started. I'm not saying that there's never going to be days when I feel like trash. Those days will come. They just make me appreciate the good days when they come. It's all how you look at your problems.

Well folks, I'm going to cut it short for today. I am ready to party and have fun with family. Everyone take good care of one another. Don't let Santa catch you being naughty. Remember, the guy is wanted in 14 different countries. He is considered armed and dangerous. Anywho, have fun this holiday season. Keep safe and dream big.

Bless You...

Hey crazy cats, Just thought I'd get in a couple of thoughts before Christmas. Have you ever had one of those moments in which you witnessed something so embarrassing that you felt bad for the person? You know what I'm talking about, you here the priest fart during mass, you see someone's grandmother picking a wedgie, or you see someone slip and fall. It's really embarrassing for them and double for the person bearing witness to it. However, there are people out there that don't care about themselves and basically could care less if something like that happens to them.

Case in point.... Imagine, if you will, you're in a hospital setting. Your main goal is to make sure patients come in and get themselves registered into the hospital's database, prior to seeing the doctor. A couple walks up to you with identification in tow. As you say good morning to the couple, the gentleman sneezes and a HUGE snot bubble forms in his right nostril. If that isn't bad enough, the left side shoots a mega-ultra-gooey repelling snot line that can serve as a mooring line for the Queen Elizabeth 2! What do you do?!!!

Obviously you saw it! You can't pretend to not have seen it. For crying out loud, the astronauts on the ISS saw it! It literally took half a box of facial tissue to clean up his face. He looked like he just finished clearing the birth canal and still had some afterbirth all over himself. It was that nasty!

I felt so flippin bad and nauseous at the same time. As I curled over into the fetal position and began to rock back and forth, while chanting " it's going to be ok...it's going to be ok...", I realized that this individual didn't care about the avalanche of boogers that had left his nose. he was ok with the fact that gallons of nose bats went flying out of his nose like the opening sequence of "Scooby Doo, Where are You?". What gives?

Have we, as a society, given up on the whole personal pride thing? It really bothers me to walk down the halls of the hospital and see a guy "adjusting himself". It bothers me even more when I see a woman doing the same! Well...maybe she isn't...a....woman.....nevermind! Please people, I ask one thing of you for the new year. Let's tell the people who think it's fine to do these things that it is not! Maybe then we can stop seeing these things and get back to our daily lives of picking our noses in private and hiding the booger under the chair you're sitting in. Take care everyone. Keep safe and dream big!

Happy Ramahanikwanzistmas Kipur and a Happy New Year! Part 3

Hey crazy cats! With less than a week left before Christmas, I thought that I would share some of the troubles we go through during the holiday season. In the first two parts, I discussed the odyssey into buy gifts and getting the Christmas Tree. Now comes the part that we all are so familiar with.... the family.

Usually, family reunions are fun. During the holidays, they are a new dimension in hell. God forbid you have the family gathering at your house. If that's the case, prepare yourself for the police, the fire department, the EMTs, and a UN Envoy coming over. It usually starts innocently enough. Then, members of the family that no one wants to show up usually do. You think " It's Christmas. What can possibly happen?" As you're being escorted away by the court bailiff, you realize alot can go wrong.

However, at the time, we fall in love with the idea of a big family Christmas. We decorate our house like some nightmare from "Better Homes and Gardens". We stench up the place with some insane pine scenty candles. Finally, in the tortured spirit of the holidays, we put on sappy Christmas music from CD we thought we never had. It's amazing how many Christmas Cd's we have. We have Christmas Cd's from Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Faith Hill, The Chipmunks, Mariah Carey, Larry the Cable Guy, Run DMC, Marylin Manson, Elvis Presley, That stupid "grandma got run over by a reindeer" song, Tupac's Krismus in Da Hood, The "Feliz Navidad" song, and Disney's Christmas 4-ever vols. 1-248643135471353157!

As soon as the family starts to arrive, the troubles begin. We have the uncle who smokes, the uncle who drinks too much and ends up fighting everybody, the uncle who drinks too much and ends up loving everybody, the aunt whose husband left her for a younger woman, the insane grandmother, the deadbeat brother-in-law, the stuck-up cousins, the slutty sister who has more tattoos and piercings than a die-hard Hell's Angels biker, the mother from hell, the cousin who just got out of jail but will go back to jail once the night is through, the gay nephew, the really religious aunt who tries to convert everybody during the dinner because she wants to let you know that you live in sin but Jesus still loves you, the sister whose son is in the Coast Guard but she's so proud of him that he's fighting terrorism being stationed in Oregon, those really dirty kids that your sister inherited when she married that bum that the whole family said that she shouldn't marry, and finally... one pissed off grand dad.

All these people cant keep their mouths shut during dinner. That's why in February, they will discover that bleeding ulcer. The intentions were noble, but they are like retarded jackals. I have a saying... " even the worst disasters started out with the best intentions." By the way, everyone will hate dinner.

So there you are... stuck in a house of people you want to kill and hating life. Just think, after dinner, you don't have to see these people for another year. So after they lay waste to your house like a category five hurricane, you feel moreat ease as the last bunch of them leave your house. Hey, be happy you're not hispanic. We have Three Kings Day in January! Keep safe and dream big.

Sea World at Christmas

Tis The Season....

Hey crazy cats! Well, the year is finally winding down and we're in the full holiday swing. We here at Sam's Paradise have already got into the full holiday cheer. That's why you haven't seen many postings as you're accustomed to. This time of year is also a time in which we reflect on all the things that have happened. Now before you think this is going to be some sappy year-in-review entry, let me reassure you it's far from it.... sort of.

One of the funniest things that I've discovered, since joining the human race, is the we are very sentimental creatures ( with a heavy accent on the mental part of the word). The Christmas Carols, the lights, and the feeling of joy overwhelm us to the point we overlook things that would've bothered us if it happened at another part of the year. We overlook the used tampon who cuts us off while we are driving to work. We forgive the worthless douche bag who makes our lives less livable when they argue with the cashier at WalMart over the price of a "Larry The Cable Guy" Shirt. Finally, we forgive the f***stick who repeatedly calls the house at 3:25 in the morning, asking for Laquisha just so he can make up with her.

My question is why do we tend to be nicer at this time of year? It's the same thing, no matter what month is it. Is it because we believe that Santa Claus is Watching us? By the way, I believe Santa Claus is Actually a member of Al Qaida. I have incriminating evidence to support my claim. He threatens you into not crying or pouting. He sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake! (the pervert!) He breaks into your house in the middle of the night. If you don't leave cookies out for him, he kills your family and makes it look like you did it. You don't believe me? Ask O.J. Simpson. Do you know if you rearrange the letters in Santa you get Satan? This is not a coincidence my friends. To hell with hunting down Usama Bin Laden. We need to stop Santa and his legion of elf martyrs! He holds every...... Ahem.... ok back to reality...

Anyway, we tend to be alot nicer. If we are like this for a few weeks, why can't we be like this all year round? We should....... You know, I really think Santa should be dealt with. I know, I know... Let it go, Sam... I just can't. I for one am going to ask the President and The United Nations to deal with the Santa Menace! His reign of tyranny ends this year! No more will that fat f**k pass up my house again. Down with Santa!

Anyway folks, you guys enjoy yourselves this holiday season and may everything you ask for come true. Keep safe and dream big!

Get Your Ticket Now.....

Well....well....well.... Looks like the votes are almost all in and it's almost that time to tally up the votes.....So in my favor I'm giving out free tickets to be redeemed after the contest.

The most recently asked questions:

1.Well 3D you might ask what are these tickets and how can I use it?

It's simple....simply tell all your MYSPACE/FACEBOOK....and all the other website connections about:

www.sams-paradise.blogspot.com

2.How can I use my ticket?

Anyway you like....But keep in mind the emails come in so often I will respond to them as I receive them

3.Why is 3D giving away free tickets?

That answer is simple...Because of YOU....Our FANS!!!!! You deserve something nice!

Once you've accomplished that misson post a comment on here and I'll personally send you an ticket email...

So here's the ticket email you'll receive:

It's called a B.J. Ticket yes men can get a free B.J. at anytime with this ticket just present the ticket to your wife or girlfriend...Tell them 3D sent you and if they don't know who I am shame on you.....

Ladies this works for you too! Simply print our your B.J. ticket and give it to your man,husband or male friend...if you float both ways hey give it to your girlfriend....If they all act up give it to one of their friends...

Wait a minute I see a few of you smiling too hard to receive this B.J. ticket....

Let me explain to you how the B.J. ticket is used:

1st of all B.J. stands for Bologna and Jelly...See I knew you were all thinking something else...But when you want a friend or loved one or just a fling to do something good for you...Promise them a B.J. ticket that can be redeemed at any time...You'll be suprised how many gifts and chores you'll receive and get done.

Okay for making you all think something totally off guard-I'll answer any question asked directly to me and I'll make it a blog so all of you can get to know 3D.

I hope you ALL enjoy the holidays and take care of one another!

Live...Love...Life

Celebrity Status

WOW.....I feel so honored and a bunch of other emotions feel my heart when I get on here and see I have a fan club. I want to thank ALL of you especially Mr.3DeeFan. I can't begin to explain what it does to me every time I log on and see people replying to our post and enjoying our videos.I must admit all of you make us feel like CELEBRITIES....Stay tuned and keep following us I promise it'll get better as time goes on!

Live....Love....Life

Beaner 2009-Third Ad

Happy Ramahanikwanzistmas Kipur and a Happy New Year! Part 2

Hey crazy cats,

Well, it's less than a month before Christmas and people are going crazy buying gifts. This time of year is meant to enjoy, not meant to go criminally insane. Yet, every year.we fall into the commercial market's evil web. We always say that this year we aren't going to fall for the traps, but we do. We are as helpless as Clay Aiken to a YMCA shower room.

When we finally get our gifts and make it home, the battle begins. We haul in the U Haul full of gifts into the house and try not to let anyone see the gifts. We invent new places to hide these gifts. We look like squirrels hiding nuts , when it comes to gifts. Its like the obstacle course on Double Dare when it comes time to find the gifts we've hidden.

Then, the real hell begins....Decorating the house!!! Granted, some of us are conservative when it comes to "dressing" up the house. However, we are Americans. That means that we will always try to outdo the other guy. We get out the thousands of miles of Christmas lights and embark on a journey that few have returned sane from. We risk life and limb to put the lights on our house. If your Puerto Rican, don't bother we already have them up from last year. We never bother to bring them down. Anyway, once we endure the cursing up several different storms, the constant nagging of the renegade blown bulb, and the several near death experiences we are finally done with fixing up the outside of the house.

The funny thing is that the job is half done. Next, we get into the car and drive to the edge of the universe. This is all because your love of your life, the one you cherish, the person that's is going to go missing and end up on the news and amber alerts, heard of a store that sells beautiful real Christmas Trees. You know full well this this odyssey is going to end up with someone saying something, in anger, that should've been kept to oneself. Oh well, tis the season.

You finally arrive at the place ( it's right next to Jimmy Hoffas body). You see so many trees. You realize that you're going to spend the next seven hours looking at trees. You wonder what the difference is between them. A trees is a tree, right? WRONG!!!! Apparently, modern science has made it where you can pretty much chose from a billion selections! And you thought going shoe shopping was a nightmare.

After, what seems like an eternity, you get the tree you want. Paul Bunyon comes out and whacks it down for you ( squirrel, crows, and all). They strap the giant Redwood to the top of your rag top Mazda Miata (good luck on driving it home with all the crazies on the road). You notice that the price for the tree is more than an RV Motor home. So after you sell your dignity and do something that you pray doesn't make it on YouTube, you leave crying with your tail between your legs. And to think, this is all the beginning. Don't you just love the holidays? Keep safe and dream big.

Beaner 2009-Second Ad

Silver Ball In The Air...

Hey crazy cats! So here I am. We are one week away from Thanksgiving. The holidays are almost upon us. 2007 started off kind of rocky and then it just got worse. Rising gas prices, a never ending war , and pregnant man plagued our news media. As for me, I think I finally made a turn for the better. My life is looking really good and I feel great. Hopefully, 2009 will be the year of Sam.

Well, today I stood home from work because I felt a little sick. It could be the change in weather or it could be the fact that I ate 12 sushi rolls. All I know is that I pleased the porcelain god today. I realized that a day home from work is like a day home from school. I just sat around the house and did nothing. I literally drifted in and out of sleep throughout the day. When I was conscience, I managed to log on to YouTube and watch some old episodes of "You Can't Do That On Television". That's right, I watched that show. Hey look, if you don't want to admit that when no body's looking you do the same, that's OK. At least I'm happy to say that I'm that flipping crazy to admit it.

It brought back so many memories of my youth. I remember when my mom used to steal cable from the next door neighbors and we used to watch it. I used to sit in front of the TV every Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. As stated before, I was an 80's kid. In other words, the TV was my nanny. I was easily amused by the often lame Canadian humor that was brought into my home, thanks to Nickelodeon and the stolen cable.

I was jumping for joy when one of the cast members would "slip up" and say the word water. I would pee my pants in delight when someone would utter the words "I don't know?". To me, the show was way ahead of its time. It would tackle subjects that would be current, but put it into a way that young kids would understand. If you have never seen the show, then go over to YouTube and check it out. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

I loved every sketch on the show. I loved the opposites, Barfs Burgers, the locker jokes, the executions, the bum looking dad, and there's still more to the show. The show was nicely written, without being to condescending to children. It would keep a kid glued to the TV for the half hour duration.

By now, I know that alot of you, who have watched the show, are remembering your favorite parts or episodes. This show is up there with Dangermouse, Thundercats, He-Man, Transformers, G.I. Joe, Murder She Wrote.... wait a minute....let's skip that last one. Well, you get the gist of it.

It was done during a time when it was fun to watch television. The show didn't rely on product placement, violence, sex, or anything offensive to be a delight. I wish that television would go back to that. That's one of the reasons I gave up watching television over five years ago. Way too much garbage on.

Well folks, I'm calling this one done. You all take care. I'll see you this weekend, hopefully, for another edition of SamVidBlog News. Keep those votes coming in. Every vote counts. Come back often. There's going to be more campaign commercials. It's going to be alot of fun. We are going to get alot weirder. Keep safe and dream big!

Beaner 2009

Johnny Cochran, Where Are You!

Today's entry is going to be one of sheer anger. I can't believe, even in this day and age, the ignorance of displayed still by some individuals. Now, before I go any further, let state that my girlfriend and her friend were present when this crime against humanity and God was committed. I was honestly not doing a thing wrong.

We went to the Improv in Ybor City. It was a good show. The comics were really good. We were laughing from start to finish. If anyone is looking for a good show, and you are in Tampa, Fl., stop by. You will not be disappointed. Anyway, Melissa had a couple and so did her friend. I was the DD. I figured it was the wise thing to do. As we left the show, she asked me to go get the car, while she waited. After all, I was not going to make her walk a couple of blocks in heels. After all, I do have some intelligence.

I shuffled quickly through the neighborhood. A Puerto Rican in the wrong part of town is a really bad thing. I made it to the car and proceeded to go and pick up he girls. I drove like I was on my way to the Proctologist. I wasn't going to risk anything to this car. As I pull up to the curb, I notice a police cruiser behind me. I didn't think anything of it. They file in and we make our way back home...or so I thought.

Half way down the block, the police code bars go on and he's signaling me to pull over. We are all baffled in the car. Why the heck is this guy pulling us over. Then, I remembered. I'm PUERTO RICAN! Apparently, it is a serious crime to be Puerto Rican in Ybor City. I am considered worse than a terrorist with explosives at the Vatican!

As he approached the vehicle, the rest of the car's passengers wondered what was going on. He immediately asked for my license, registration, and proof of insurance. He never once told us what we did wrong. I guess he was making everything up as he went along. I realized that I had become a victim of racial profiling.

I don't understand how we fit the description. My music wasn't playing loud, there were no gaggle of children all over the back street, or even the street glow lights. Hell, I didn't even have the goofy Puerto Rican flag hanging from the rearview mirror. So officer T.J. Hooker decided to be a total douche bag. I stood shut because I didn't want the women to get dirty from all my blood and brain matter spraying everywhere.

Now, here's the kick to the head. I wasn't given the ticket. My girlfriend was given the ticket! I guess he wanted to show that white girls aren't supposed to date hispanics. Maybe if she sat in the back seat, the policeman would've thought that I was her driver. Oh well, the world will never know.

From here on in, we're taking the video camera wherever we go. YouTube is going to be my new friend. I am not causing trouble. I'm just insuring that trouble leaves me alone. Too bad Johnny Cochran is dead. At least I know that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Well folks, sorry about he sriuosness of the entry. I just needed to vent some. This is the only way I know that I can vent and not get arrested. Ok folks, stay tuned, hopefully we'll record and post a show this weekend. By the way, I know that there were problems with last week's show. I heard that the problem has been solved. So, take a look at it, if you haven't. On that note, keep safe and dream big!

The Last Piece

Okay....So there you are sitting in the bathroom. A minute goes by and (splash....splash) Aww the relief it feels so good to release the frustrations of the world into your toilet. (Splash....splash) there goes some more! A good ten minutes roll around and you're still there!

But all of a sudden you realize the water splashing back up from the bowl starts to feel cold on your bottom. You imagine your bottom with little sprinkles of poo on it and start grabbing toilet paper by the handful.....

Pulling and whipping and pulling and whipping some more.......the walls seem to be closing in on you and the smell is so detrimental to your health you'll have to take a shower! But it's 3 in the morning. So respectfully you wanna wait til people are awake...So sitting there you decide let me just wipe and get up!

Looking at the roll there's nothing left but one square. You figure if you look at the empty roll long enough magically it will appear...NOT....So there you are in the dark in the bathroom with a bowl full to the brim and sprinkles of poo somewhat still on your bottom.....The you look at that little brown roll with one piece of square toilet paper looking back at you....

F.Y.I

It pays to have an extra roll in your bathroom with plenty of spray and if you're ever stuck in this situation....Go ahead and jump in the shower....

Besos

3D

Happy Ramahanikwanzistmas Kipur and a Happy New Year! Part 1

For those of you who think this time of year is the most joyous time of year, let me remind you of the headaches that this holiday season brings. First of all, we now live in an age where we must be careful how we greet one another. It used to be "Merry Christmas". Then, it changed to "Happy Holidays". Now, I have the foggiest idea of how we should greet each other. However, if you don't greet anyone, then you're considered a jerk. I don't get it. With that being said, I'm just going to focus on Christmas. I'll ask my friends to tackle another one.

Christmas time. The time of year when we reflect on the experiences obtained that year and the hope that the next year will be more prosperous than the current. We all know the Biblical stories of of the Messiah was born in a manger and how this time should be to reflect on the idea of peace on earth. All in all, it's a very noble concept. We all know it isn't like that.

First of all, the Christmas shopping! This event does not promote peace on earth. Far from it! let me give you all a rundown of how things really happen. You get into the car with your spouse/significant other and make your way to the mall. From the moment the keys enter the ignition, your loved one is bothering you. She/he is complaining about the way you drive. You try to explain that the 90 year old lady doesn't need to drive like a maniac and not use her blinker when she changes lane. It gets to the point where you want to push them out of the moving car and onto the highway, hoping a semi truck will shut them the heck up!

You finally get there and the mall looks like a mental hospital that is going through a riot! Parking is the ultimate test in patience. By the time you spot a parking spot, you at the point where you'll kill the Virgin Mary herself if she even tries to take your spot. As you exit your car, you mumble "I'm sorry" You know full well both of you are going to go at it like two deranged WWE Wrestlers before the end of the day.

The rest of the day involves getting gifts for everyone, to include people you had no idea you knew. The process is slower than evolution itself and you just wish that you could step into traffic and end it all. You fill up at least three shopping carts full of gifts and you haven't even gotten around to gifts for yourself or your loved one. You proceed to the check out line.

When you walk up to it, you notice that for the next several hours, you will be stuck in a line that is going to make you go postal. By the time you reach the disgruntled teenager cashier, you'll be so mad that you will literally tear her head off and slam it on the ground if she even makes the simplest mistake.

So after an eternity in that check out line, you make your way back to your car and try to fit all those gifts into the trunk and the back seat. Finally, a sigh of relief comes over you. You realize that you're nearly out of hell and you're going back to the solace and comfort of you home. However, like Saw's Jigsaw, there is one more obstacle you must face in order to make it out alive. A worthless used tampon has parked so close to your car that it seems physically impossible to get into your car. You even contemplate getting in your car "Dukes of Hazzard" like. After an small arguement with your soon to be ex, you open the door, while doing your best impression of the Incredible Hulk ( Hulk smash!).

By now, you're in you car. Your sweety pie is calling the cops to put a restraining order on you as soon as you both get back to the house. In an instant, it dawns on you why the old lady was driving like a maniac. She also was at the mall. And to think, this is just the beginning of the holiday season. Keep safe and dream big!

Here Comes The Boom!

So there I was, reading the news on my work time, when I came across this bit of interesting news. It seems like in Berlin, Germany a 22 year old man, who was heartbroken over a recent breakup with his girlfriend, tried to commit suicide by opening all the gas taps in his apartment. The only problem was that his ex-girlfriend came by to pick up her stuff. Here's is where it get interesting. As she went into the building, she let a cigarette. Needless to say, A small boom was heard in Australia. The explosion leveled half the building! It injured 15 and killed one person! The depressed lover and his ex escaped the blasted with minor injuries. A court clerk stated that the injured nitwit lover didn't realize that the gas would cause such destruction. He is now charged with murder, grievous bodily harm and being a complete and utter village idiot.

I know that love will make you do very stupid things. I know that being heartbroken seems like the end of life to some people. Why would anyone choose to blow up half the neighborhood to get back at a significant other is beyond me. Can you imagine if instead of getting her stuff she was going to the apartment to reconcile? That would have been the ultimate"I'm glad I didn't get to do that" moment.

Being heartbroken isn't really the end. I remember when I went through my divorce, I hit rock bottom. I didn't care what happened to me. I was so sick and tired of life. However, I made it a point to show everyone that I could overcome any adversity. I put on my game face on and faced life head on. Take no prisoners! By the grace of God, I made it!

So folks, what's the worse breakup you have been through. Please share your stories. I know that there are extremely funny stories out there. Truth be told, I'm in a slump and I need new material. So...get to typing and share those emotional scabs so we can pick at them. As always, I hope everyone out there has a great day. Keep safe and dream big!

Fortified with 9 Vitamins and Minerals!

There are things in life that will make anybody squirm upon hearing it. The following entry is pretty gross. So, if you have a weak stomach, I suggest you look away and wait for the next entry. With that said, Let me begin the story.

On Saturday, I became thirsty and got me a soda. This is a usual event for billions of people around the world. I popped it open and began to drink from it. I noticed that the flavor was slightly off, but I didn't mind. I kept on. About half way through the can, I felt something in my mouth. At first, I thought it was something that I had eaten and finally made its way towards my stomach. However, something told me to talk a closer look.

The first thing that came into my mind was that I had somehow inhaled a gnat. This usually happens to people when they talk outside. Yet, this felt too big to be a gnat. I spat it out to take a look at it. To my horror, it was the one thing that I never imagined to be in the soda. It was a nightmare to accept what just had happen. I HAD JUST DRANK A SODA FILLED WITH MAGGOTS!!!! The bad part was that I was halfway done with the can!

It is needless to say that I didn't stop vomiting until I felt my soul coming out with the heaving. I nearly passed out from all the stress. The las t time I had thrown up like that was when I ate maggots when I was 17 years old. That's right, you read right. This was my second time! I couldn't believe it either.

My life has been filled with events that would cause anyone else to seek medical help for the traumatic disorders caused by the events. I don't know why, but I think that I'm God's favorite toy. I don't mind it. It makes for an interesting life.

So the next time you have a bad day, remember this... Yours is nothing compared to mine. Trust me, your life is good compared to mine. I don't complain about it, but know that. Anyway, I hope you all have a great week. Remember to vote for your favorite SamVidBlog News Anchor. You're gonna see some campaign commercials going up. Just be aware that we're sailing into the madness known as Sam's Paradise. Have a good one folks. Keep safe and dream big!

SamVidBlog News for 11/08/08

Fashion Terrorism

Hey crazy cats! This week has proven to be a very busy week. However, I have manage to witness some things that would be considered, by others, to be a crime. Take, for instance, my case in point. Have you ever met someone who seriously needs to tone down the way they dress. You all know what I'm talking about. There's always that one person you know that either shows more cleavage than legally allowable, the wear their pants so tight that you can tell their religion, or they wear so much make up that they put Tammy Fay Baker to shame. They go through life committing crimes against fashion humanity! The funny parts is that they don't even know that they are doing it! This is the ultimate in tackiness!


My story isn't about a woman who is more tacky than saltwater taffy. It is about a GUY! We, at the clinic, all know who he is. He comes in dressed like Morris Day on speed! His lack in taste is only second to his courage to wear the most insane clothing on the planet. Not even the most flamboyant homosexual male would dare to wear the clothes he does ( not even in private!) It's amazing that he hasn't made anyone scream in terror or even rip their eyes out.
Let me give examples of the sheer audacity the this individual has perpetrated against our sanity.

• He glues glitter on the tips of his shoes! Holy Jesus H. "tapdancing" Christ! Who would ever do such a thing?!!!
• He once wore gray tuxedo pants with a cheap UnderArmour knock-off t-shirt! Feed me nails and call me Rusty!
• He finds it ok to wear dress pants and a dress shirt with white sneakers! Where's the gun? I'm gonna put him out of his misery.
• He owns a sky blue long coat with fake fur collar and cuffs! Now you're getting ridiculous!
• He has more shoes than the Chinese Army! Someone call Oprah! the boy needs counceling!
• Pinstipes are always in fashion with him! Now, I'm mad!!!

The man is a walking El DeBarge video! He makes us laugh every morning when he arrives. He's like a train wreck! We've tried to tell him to tone down. It was like giving Hellen Keller directions and the keys to the car. If the folks at Queer Eye were ever to get a hold of him, they'd all committ suicide! There is NO makeover for homeboy! Milli Vanilli were Amish next to this guy.

I thought I've seen everything. This guy's wardrobe has more color in it than there ARE colors! The thing is that they are all bright and neon colors. The 80's have nothing on this dude. i don't know why he thinks he is attracting women. The only thing he is attracting is a group of spectators like at the scene of a homicide.

So... here I am. I'm asking everyone of you. Help me! We need advise on how to get through to Mr.Prince and Revolution. All your suggestions will be duly noted. In the meantime, I'll keep my barf bag handy. Keep safe and dream big!

Check Yes or No

Ok let's face it, I'm not a brilliant guy. Heck, I'm lucky I can breath and walk at the same time. With that said, it's amazing for me to do the simple things in life. Before I go any further, let me state that there is someone in my life. I haven't felt this good in a really long time. Maybe it's the fact that I have someone to talk to or maybe it's the fact that she hasn't put a restraining order on me yet....who knows? Whatever it is, all I know is that I'm finally having some fun.

However, I do feel sorry for her. You see, I'm not the easiest person to have a relationship with. I pretty much know that God has a sense of humor because that's the only way to explain me. Let me explain how bad am I at relationships. I will take my present life as an example. When I first met Meli ( pronounced mel-ee), I had no idea she was interested in me. I was so clueless it wasn't funny. That's me though...Mr. Clueless.. Mind you, I do know how to treat my girl. It isn't like I'll forget her name or forget her birthday. I do forget that sometimes people will worry for me. I, on occasion have forgotten to call.

It's amazing that I have even got another person in my life. Let me tell you how Meli and me met. ( cue the wavy dream sequence)... It was another day at the hospital.( move over Nicolas Sparks). She came in for her appointment. ( due to HIPPA laws, I cannot tell you what hospital or what type of appointment). I had noticed her, my luck is terrible when it comes to picking up women. Just ask 3-d, she has been witness to my pathetic approaches.

She asked me to meet up with her for lunch one day, which I did. The embarrassing part was that I couldn't talk to her. I was so nervous. It was like I had gotten kicked in the head by a Kentucky Derby Racehorse and was suffering a stroke at the same time. I was sweating like a two dollar french whore in Sunday mass. I was more lost than Paris Hilton taking the S.A.T. An Arab with a stuttering problem made more sense than I did. Luckily, she looked passed at the complete babbling nerve jello-o that I was.

So here we are. I have gotten out of the dateless/girlfriendless scene. I must say it's been pretty cool. I am not hard to get along with. I tend to be really easy going. However, I also tend to be forgetful. This is going to be very interesting. I'm like a big Great Dane puppy. He doesn't mean to destroy the house when he wants to play ball with you, it just ends up that way.

So here I am, I'm dating again. It's very strange to be dating again. I didn't imagine myself in this really cool relationship. Life has a way of making up for crappy moments. I am going to take it slow. There is no rush what so ever. I'm taking the slow boat to China. I know that she is going to be on that same boat. We're having fun and that's what it's all about.

Well folks, it seems as cupid went postal and laid down some serious artillary on me. That's cool. Don't worry folks. Soon, SamVidBlog News will make its return. Keep safe and dream big!

Half A Heart

Hello ALL.....Especially the LADIES!!!!

You know the old saying "It's better to have loved, than to never love at all." Well something like that I know you all know what I'm talking about.....

Who came up with that damn saying...It had to have been someone with Half A Heart! It's nice to be in Love but it's even better to be loved back...Trust me I'm the master at loving an not being loved...IT HURTS....But you live and learn the next time it comes around...Love that is..You take a deep breath and hold your breath and pray for the best! It's hard....VERY HARD...to want to be LOVED soooooooooooo bad that you'd do just bout anything...Well okay I'm lying you'd do ANY and EVERYTHING for the possibility of True LOVE! Don't give up...Just keep your fingers crossed and continue to be yourself..don't change for nobody and if you really LOVE the person you're with just keep focused.

Believe me it'll be hard..people will give you their opinion and you have to be strong enough to hear what they're saying and not act on everything they say...Yea statistics show 99.999999999999% of the time Friends w/ Benefits don't end up the way the person that is HEAD OVER HEALS really wants...

These are you're options when put in this situation:
A:Love...Love....Love like there's no tomorrow and enjoy all the good times before they run out...

B:Try very hard to keep your half of your heart that Loves to yourself and keep the benefits rolling...

C:Keep your Friend and cut the Benefits....Not you want I know but you save yourself the heartache and keep your friend. It sucks but this way you don't loose out on a beautiful friendship.

or good ole

D:Put everything out there from the beginning and talk EVERYTHING out...especially if you think your friendship is important....Don't assume...Cause we all know what that does...if IT..(the friendship w/Benefits) starts to confuse you...Then it's time to sit and chat again...Keep the COMMUNICATION lines open if you don't want IT to fail.

Well now YOU ALL have the keys...you know what to do and what not to do!!! Now let's see how many of you will do the (RIGHT THING) best thing! Keep your head up people it's not the end of the world even though sometimes it seems like it!When you think you've cried enough....take a nice cold shower cry some more and when you're finished squeeze your pillow really tight cry some more until you fall asleep.....Or you can do like I do and tell your little one your chest hurts ...he'll play Dr. by giving you a BIG kiss and hug..you can keep crying until they fall asleep then when you wake up...if you're without your FRIEND...Just pray your day goes by fast and wish for a better tomorrow! Believe it'll all be alright and it shall...Though things may not end up the way YOU want it will be OKAY!

Be STRONG....Loving people and continue to be YOU...One day You too will be LOVED!

What?...What?!...Ok!

I have the distinct pleasure of meeting different people from various backgrounds each day. They come in each day, for their appointments, and share a moment of their lives with me. For the most part, it is quite a nice experience. At other times, I have to deal with people who are upset for one reason or another. Once the problem is solved, they become kittens. However, there is that special breed, which makes you wonder where did they come from. It isn't that they're dumb, not at all! It's just that they function in life and I'm left wondering how they do it.

Take for instance the case of Mr. Dolby ( not his real name), he is an elderly gentleman. He is very nice, but he is tone deaf! This guy couldn't hear ACDC playing atop dynamite truck, rolling through a nitroglycerin plant. The problem is that he thinks he doesn't need hearing aids. When he comes in, he comes up to you and proceeds to destroy your eardrums by saying hello. This guy has the voice of a sonic boom. He once put a woman into labor with just a sneeze... and she wasn't even pregnant! The guy couldn't keep a secret to save his life.

So then I started thinking. This guy is so deaf that the only way he could here the slightest of sounds would be if they strap two towers speakers on each side of his head. His ears are just there for cosmetic reasons. Another funny thing is that the louder you talk to him, the louder he gets. It gets to the point where you end up in a shouting match with the guy.

Th fun ones are the ones who are in denial that they have a weight problem. Mind you, I am overweight. I know I have to lose at least 30 lbs just to be in my target weight. However, I have accepted it and I try everyday to deal with it. The ones are the ones who wear shirts that say Tapout, Affliction, Athletic Department, etc... Who are they kidding?!! I didn't even know that athletic shirts came in size Shamu! I'm not talking about people with genetic conditions that predisposition them to obesity. These people were once in the military! I've seen some heavy heavyweights. I saw one person who was literally 300 lbs overweight! They're reason for their obesity was "I got tired". Got tired!!! With all the cardiac diseases out there, you think that would be motivation enough. Unfortunately, we, as Americans, do not think like that.

I really do love my job. I can't imagine me doing anything else, at least for now. Everyday is a new adventure with its own set of characters. You can't ask for a better place to work. Well, gonna keep it short today folks. I have lots to do. Keep safe and dream big!

Happy 50th Entry or How to Upset Your Friends And Have a Hit Put on You

Alrighty folks, this is my 50th entry! I actually can't believe I actually stuck to something and kept going. The reason is I love writing and I enjoy making people chuckle, even at my own expense sometime. I have used this means as a way to release stress of the everyday life and to point out the stuff that upset us. However, I know alot of you have questioned my sanity. Sometimes, my topics are so far off the beaten path, I even wonder if anyone would get what I'm saying. Thank Goodness, that no one really gets what I'm saying.

Well, I also discovered that sometimes I am a bother. I've always known that I could get under people's skin. As a matter of fact, I made it an art form for awhile. The thing is I finally wised-up, but I still am doing my goober things. I really think that I have trained myself so well that I cannot break the habit. If I lost you already, don't worry I even lost myself. Let me give you a couple of examples of how big of a douche I can be.

I have been known to forget things. You know, birthdays, anniversaries, get well soons, funerals...the list is long. Well, how about forgetting your best friends name! That's up there with pretty low. I left friends stranded when they've asked me to pick them up and I forgot. I even once forgot to mail off someones income tax paperwork before the deadline! Do I mean to do it? No. I'm just that bad.

The best one was i once forgot that my ex-wife (this is back when I was married) was afraid of spiders. She would have a panic attack and go into shock if she saw one. Well...guess what Sammy-Pooh did. You guessed it! I had a fake spider. The damned thing looked so real! I put it on the bed as she was getting ready for work. Well, after I got back from the hospital ( after the beating that I got) I apologized for being a worthless douche bag.

To make matters worse, I used to hide around the house and jump out and scare her half to death. Now I know why I'm an ex-husband. You live and learn I guess. Besides, I wish her the best of luck as she travels through life on the bullet train to hell.

Anyway, back to my friends... Another one of my goof ups came early in my naval career. I was just finishing up Hospital Corps School and was assigned to the VA Hospital in Great Lakes, Illinois for my clinicals. I was working the geriatric unit and wasn't really enjoying cleaning old butts. Mind you, I do appreciate the sacrificial services given by our service members and veterans, but I just hated to wipe butt. Anyway, there I was, wiping butt. I had just got an elderly gentlemen who literally exploded in his pants. That was the mother of all dirty bombs! I never had such a desire of strangling someone with their own feces the way I felt that day. In the Great Lakes VA, they have a nifty little machine to hoist up the patient, while you hose down the flabby butt cheeks of the individual. It's pretty cool. So...back to the story...I was hosing down this guy deflated butt cheeks full of hot human fudge like it was a 5 alarm fire in the middle of the California wild fire season. This stuff wasn't coming off easy. I swear I needed a jackhammer just to get the light stuff off. That stuff was quikcrete cement! Oh my God, did I ever hate my life! Well, as I was hosing down Willy Wonka, one of my friends came in and interrupted me. Remember, I am very ADD. We began talking about our graduation and how we needed to have all of our paperwork straightened out before we left. The conversation took a dark tone when I realized that I had some paperwork that still needed to be filled out. Out of nowhere, another friend came in and told me I was late for lunch. I was really stressing out. So, off I went for lunch in order to clear my mind.

When I returned, the ward nurses were upset that I hadn't finished my notes. I was really at wits end. I went down the hall to cool off. After a few minutes, one of the nice nurses came up to me with a concerned look on her face. She came up to me and wondered if everything was alright with me. I told her about my problems earlier and she helped me out through them. Once she saw I felt better, she dropped a bomb on me. I HAD LEFT THE PATIENT IN THE CRANE FOR OVER AN HOUR! The poor guy was hanging there, nalgas in the wind, all that time! I felt so bad. Luckily, she covered for me and I didn't get in trouble.

That's the story of my life. I seem to forget very important stuff. I guess I'll be immortal. i figure that I will eventually forget to die. My friends support me and they deserve to be recognized. God only knows that I try their patience everyday.

Well crazy cats, thanks for hearing my out. Thanks for hanging in there. Don't worry, more of my life will be on display for your amusement. I hope you've liked my journey so far and I hope you stick around for more. Come back as often as you like. And remember as always, keep safe and dream big!

The Ugly Eye!!!

Hello All....Especially LADIES....Hey Gur

Yes it's me the infamous 3-D....The mastermind Sammy has put your girl on the net to share....the FEMALE POINT of view! Well I hope he knows what he has done because I'm ready to open wide and share...wait a minute...that's exactly what Sammy wanted.Well ladies my story for the week is well you guessed it the Brow nightmare.You ever have that moment when you've gone too long without getting/doing your eyebrows...They kinda sit on the top of your forehead like little caterpillars waiting to be trimmed and snipped.You know you've gone too long when they start forming a union(formerly known as the uni-brow).Then you rise and shine on that beautiful Sunday to go to your favorite nail shop,(go figure..a nail shop to get your eyebrows done), just to find out the place is closed. So you decide to do them yourself. Sounds like a plan, you head back home pull out the wax, it's expired. You look for your tweezers (if our like me and you've just recently moved and have a 3yr old that thinks he can fix everything) they're not where they're suppose to be. So finally you go for the good old fashion eyebrow razor...You get started and notice the razor is a little dull. But so focused on getting your eyebrows right before work you continue to use the dull blade. The pain is so excruciating it feels as if every hair is being pulled from your face. Okay guys not all of you are in a rush to go out there and get your eyebrows done(though some of you need it) but just imagine a hair in an area so delicate and sensitive on your body being plucked....over and over again..ohhh the pain oh the agony. You want to stop but you can't because you don't want to look odd to the public.So here I am raking away at my face I can almost hear my pores yelling...."Please stop..you're killing me" But I keep moving this dull razor back and forward across my forehead. Let's be real I don't have the average sized forehead it's pretty big...(but there's a reason for everything,my forehead is handy) but I'm sitting there trying to balance these bad boys out...The worst part(which is the real reason my brows were crying) the cleaning...you know that rubbing alcohol that your Mom use to rub your wounds with (to keep them clean).But once the fire dies down and the burning has been numbed I was still left in a bad way.No luck so I'm stuck with one eyebrow looking aight and the other not looking so hot!I went to work and all I felt was all eyes on me! Man don't I hate long work weeks...

Where's The Nightlight?

We as humans always look for a natural high. We tend to look for things that excite us. Some of us look for extreme sports, in which brings us to the brink of death. Others, like myself, look for less dangerous things. These less dangerous things include horror movies. In my personal opinion, horror movies are the best thrill rides on the planet. They're cheap to obtain and are readily available.

However, one must choose what limit to take your thirst for scariness to. I, at the beginning, did not know my limits. I have literally been scared s***less. I have had nightmares that have last longer than a Britney Spears rehab stay. I believe that some of the movies have given me phobias against insects, sharks, hockey mask wearing psychos, contortionist 12 year old girls who can spin their head all the way around, clowns, voluptuous chainsaw wielding women, and mothers who hate wire coat hangers.

So I started to ask myself, "self?" Self said," whatchu want?! Caint you see I'm watchin' Jerry Springer?!!!" So after self finished watching Springer, I asked again. this time, I asked why do we subject ourselves to unnecessary grief? Truth be told, I don't know why?

What I can tell you is that I have scared myself retarded countless of times. I remember sitting down and watching "The Omen" and, afterwards, look through my hair "just in case". I know that the chances of being Satan's offspring are remote, but I just wanted to make sure. Another movie that took me for a loop was "Jaws". I was so scared. I was even scared to get in a bathtub. I was afraid that the shark was going to swim up the pipes and attack me under the bubbles in the bubble bath.

I wasn't really scared of Jason Vorhees from the "Friday the 13th" movies. I figured that he only attacks white kids with rich parents who send them off with over-sexed teenagers into the middle of the woods. Since I lived in the ghetto (and her mama cried....) I was safe.

Now, there is only one movie in existence that I cannot watch until this very day. Even the mere mention of the name causes uneasiness in my heart. I know that alot of you out there know which movie I am talking about. This movie is responsible for 3o-something year old men crawling into bed with their parents because they were so scared to sleep elsewhere. The movie I am talking about is, of course, "The Exorcist". I don't know what drugs the author was smoking when he wrote this, but the boy, even to this day, needs to be beaten down.

I remember crying, having snot coming out my nose and down my face, begging for my mommy, peeing in my pants, feeling faint, and yelling like a 12 year old girl when I saw just the trailer to this movie.... and that was two weeks ago! God only knows how much I hate that movie.

So, before I finish this entry, I want to know what your thoughts are. Let me know what horror movie do you hate the most. Just click on the blue "comments" link under the article and leave your thoughts. Well, that's it for now. Have a great rest of the week and I'll see you guys here this weekend for our show. Keep safe and dream big.

The People On The Bus

Did you ever have one of those moments when you wish things would've been different? You know what I'm talking about. Like when you show up to get a parking spot, only to realize that the car in front of you was the last car the lot could hold. Or you show up to the bank at 5:05 pm and they closed at 5:00. Kind of sucks... That's the stuff that we are faced on a daily basis, as we make our way in this journey called life.

There are times when it seems unfair. There are times that it seems that you wish you could turn back the hands of time and make them work in your favor. However, that's what makes life more fun. I know that we can get angry at the unexpected. We get impatient when things don't go our way. Just remember to enjoy life. You only have one. Might as well enjoy it and make everyone else hate theirs. Nah, just kidding...

Although I do write some strange things on my blog, I want people to understand that I am merely pointing out the little things that we let get to us. I really am NOT that crazy. I believe we waste alot of time on the small stuff. So my advise to you is to let it go and enjoy life.

Ok, enough of the Jack Handy moment. It was another typical Monday at work. Nothing bad, nothing good. However, on the bus ride from the parking lot to work ( yes, we have to ride the bus. And yes, it's a dog gone converted prison bus!), I sat down and wanted to get a quick power nap before making my way from the bus stop to the hospital. I don't understand why, but I am always reminded of a prisoners "green mile" as he walks to the throne of sizzle. At other times, I kind of vaguely here the theme to the Exorcist ( you know, the part when the priest begins to walk up the long stairs). Anyway, back to the story.... I was trying so hard to grab a nap when I hard some guy begin to talk. He was trying to start some idle conversation, but the lady he was talking to wasn't interested. This didn't stop Mr. I'll-Carry-Conversation-With-You-Whether-You-Like-It-Or-Not. This guy was more annoying than Usher trying convince the world that he is not conceded.

That's when it hit me. Why do we put up with these people. They know that we don't want to talk to them. So, ( to borrow from Angry Black Man) WHY?! TELL ME WHY??!!! Why, do we put up with them. As I felt the voice of the little boy from "The Shining" begin to scream "RED RUM! RED RUM!" in my head, I gave him the "dude nobody cares" look. Apparently, he mistook it for the "dude, I am so flippin interested in your pathetic, lame, total waste of time story" look. He continued to talk to me until I faked me slipping into a coma.

The poor lady that he was originally was talking to, tried to fake falling asleep, but he wasn't hearing any of it. He continued to talk to her. I swore I thought I saw her trying to slice her wrists with a napkin edge. If given the choice of hearing the douche bag or sucking on a muffler of a 76 Buick with a bad transmission, she would've chosen the Buick.

Luckily, the bus ride isn't that long. When we arrived, she ran off the bus faster than illegals running off a jobsite when INS shows up. I know that tomorrow, she will show up with an IPod and blast that thing till she bleeds out the ears if he sits next to her again. So please folks, remember to be nice and quiet when you're on the bus. Nobody cares about the grandkids antics during the weekend on Monday morning at 7:00 am. Just have a cup of shut the heck up and enjoy the bus ride to work. If you don't, it may be your last.

Well crazy cats, that does it for this entry. Enjoy your week. Have lots of fun. Keep safe and dream big.

SamVidBlog News for 04OCT2008

BREAKING NEWS!

O.J. Simpson was found guilty on all charges!

Updates to the Site

As many of you may have seen, I am doing some updates to the blog site. Some of the changes are to make the navigation easier. Other changes are to just drive you up the wall. I just wanted to take this time to let you know what is on the website and how it will benefit you and me.

• First of all, I can't stress enough the subscription part of the site. It helps me track how many people the website (this creates a higher rating). So, please samscribe to the site.
• As all of you, who have visited the site, know, SamVidBlog News is now part of the website. Believe it or not, many of you look forward to it each week. Thank you. We will try to post up a video each week.
• The video bar is the small bar half way down on your right hand side. This contains videos that I have found on YouTube. You won't leave the page if you click on it.
• Last, but not least, we have the voting section. This is not a scam ad. I put this up regularly. I like to find out what the public is thinking.
• All entries have the option of leaving a comment. Let me know what you are thinking.

So, take advantage of the website. If I make you suffer, why don't you do the same? Anywho, take care and we'll keep making you gag with the bad jokes. Keep safe and dream big.

SuperBowel

Have you ever had a situation in which you knew the outcome was not going to be good? We've all had that experience. No matter how hard we try, the situation gets worse. It's like destiny gets her kicks on putting you in these situtations and then giggles until she pees on herself, watching you try to remedy the fiasco that is unfolding in front of you.

Now, before I continue, some of you I may gross out. The subject that I'm going to cover is an actual experience. I have not made anything up. It's just sad that this happened to me. So, with that said, you've been warned...

Back in my Navy days, I was notorious for getting myself into situtations that required a miracle to get out of. It wasn't that I looked for them, they just happened. I was checking into a new command. I felt that I needed to start off on the right foot. That morning, I had a big breakfast, I left early, and checked into the command welcome center. I was off to different meetings throughout the day.

Later on that day, I had a big lunch. It was the kind of lunch that you knew was going to cause problems later in the day. However, I thought nothing of it and went on to meet with the Master Chief of the Hospital I was going to be working in. About five minutes into the chat, I felt as though the gates of hell had opened up. My stomach felt as if someone dropped a five pound tablet of Aka Seltzer into it. It was rumbling louder than race cars at the start of the Pepsi 500. I broke out in a cold sweat that reminded me of the feeling that R Kelly felt when he was first indicted on child molestation charges. I felt like someone dumped a bucket of ice-cold water over my back. My nipples got so hard, it looked as if I was smuggling Duracell batteries under my shirt. It was the worse day of my life.

To make matters even more worse, the Master Chief wouldn't let up on talking. This guy broke out the album and decided to take me down memory lane. I was looking for the first rest stop on this road, but the next exit was never. He kept talking about when he first started and I began to have contractions. I even broke into Lamaze Breathing! My pupils became constricted and I felt my heart racing as if I had just finished an Iron Man Competition. My voice trembled as I spoke. I could literally feel my intestines being stretched to the breaking point.

Now, I know you're asking"why didn't you ask to go to the bathroom?". My response is " how do you explain to your boss that you have to use the bathroom to take the most horrific apocalyptic dump ever know to mankind?!". I stood there agonizing for what seemed an eternity. I saw my life flash before my eyes twice. I thought that the pain would never end.

I began to mentally pray. I was never a religious person, but I found God that day. I made promises I knew I couldn't keep. I promised my first born. I literally begged for forgiveness for ALL my sins since childbirth. I promised to spoon feed the homeless and to cure Herpes in my spare time. I was a desperate man. I must've prayed to Jehovah, God, Jesus, Allah, Sheba, Buddha, Zeus, Odin, and Chuck Norris on that day.

My prayers were answered when his secretary came in and interrupted his reminiscing. I quickly excused myself and made a bee line for the bathroom. Forty-five minutes later, I emerged from the stall light as a feather. My clothes even fit better! I had a grin from ear to ear. I was so tired that I nearly fell asleep afterwards. My legs felt like cooked spaghetti. However, I was triumphant.

It goes to show that things can happen in the blink of an eye... or brown eye. We must always be prepared to take on new challenges and rise to the occasion..or sit down. Well folks, enough with the poop jokes. Please feel free to drop me a comment. Maybe there is something you want to hear my rant about. Let me know. Have a great week and as always.... Keep safe and dream big.

Hey Bro, Can You Spare a Dime?

Well folks, I'm back for another week. First of all, I want to apologize for the lack of the show last week. As you all know, I had a loss in the family. So, I decided to be greedy and have some me time, in order to mend my broken heart. However, I am back and we have lots to talk about.


It seems like the United States is going through its worse financial crisis. We're so broke that it seems like soon the federal government will be applying for food stamps. Our credit score just dropped some serious points. At least the fat cats are now going to feel what the rest of us have been feeling for quite some time. All I have to say is that the way things are going, you better stock up on food and ammunition.


As for the rest of the world, all hell has been braking loose. So where does that leave us? Well, it depends. If you have a home that you bought for $300,000 not too long ago, then I say that you're in a world of hurt. If you're that individual who was hoping that your ex-spouse loses their house and that all financial hell brakes loose on them, then your prayers have been answered.
As for me, I'll be working on my greeters skills. I've applied for work at Wal-Mart and Sam's Club. I'm not knocking the employees working at these places. They work their butt off everyday, for just a few dollars and no health plan. I can see myself being called to aisle 9. Hey, I don't mind working hard. We have to make our living someway.
So, me being the ultimate friend, I have a few suggestions to helps us stretch that dollar. My list is my list and my list only.

1. can anyone say Ramen Noodles
2. recycle toilet water
3. carpooling on bicycles
4. squirrel..it's what's for dinner. (if it's good for rednecks, it won't kill us.)
5. mom?! dad?! I'm hoooommmmeeeeee!
6. pick up a second job ( call-girl, drug dealer, hitman....)
7. sell things that are old and you don't need. ( like the tv, clothes, books, grandma...)
8. two words.... Bank robbery
9. bathe every other week
10. cross the border illegally into Mexico and work for pennies on the dollar.

Well, I hope you guys take into consideration the ways to save money. If not, oh well, I'll see you in the unemployment line. I'll save you a spot. Well folks, have fun. Have a great week and I'll see you here for the next update. Keep safe and dream big.

Learning to Cope

I wish this was a happy entry, but I'm afraid it's not. This morning, I found out that a loved one, close to me, passed on. She was a delightful soul and I know that she is in a far better place. She taught me how to look at life as a challenge and not as an excuse to give up. She taught me that I didn't need to emulate anyone else, that I should always try to set the standard. She never once screamed at me. Yet, she set me straight when I needed to be straightened. I thank God everyday for knowing her. Words cannot describe my gratitude and love for her. I know I'll see her someday again.

My day was pretty awful, truthfully. I went to work today and had the headache of my life. I thought that I was going to go crazy from the pain. The last time I had a headache like that, I was watching a Milli Vanilli video. It was like getting kicked in the head by a horse, while someone playing an old techno song that sucks, in the background.

My boss noticed my pain and off we were to the ER. It was like a circus act for the morning. I was wheeled down the hallway for all to see. Oh...did I mention I was tossing my cookies? It's such a nice site to have your friends see you toss up your stomach contents as you're being passed by them like some cheap float at the Macy's Day Parade.

By the end of the day, my friends all knew what had happened. I love my friends. They have been there for me and I know that they'll be there for me too. At times, we tend to forget to thank those who support our stupidities and put up with our downfalls. There are times when we need to thank them, laugh with them, and tell them that they mean so much to us. As I was again reminded today, tomorrow maybe be too late. My friends know that I genuinely care for them. I would jump and help them immediately.

So folks, I'm sorry about the seriousness of this entry. It's just that I too feel the pain at times. In time, I will feel better. Thank you all for being part of my life. Keep safe and dream big...

Sick Day

I stood home today, due to have a flippin messed up cold. I slept most of the day, which I needed to do anyways. Anywho, after my body kicked me out of bed, I started doodling on my computer with some videos that I took awhile back. About an hour later, I literally made my own entrance video for my competitions. I share it with you guys because I'm a cornball and I'm just trying to get my product out there for others to see. It isn't nothing fancy, but I hope you guys like it...Keep safe and dream big....

SamVidBlog News for 19SEP08

Raise Your Hand If Your Sure

I'm usually a nice guy. I love helping out people who ask me for help. I even help out those who don't even ask for help. I love being friendly. I enjoying knowing that I was able to brighten up someones day, when they're having a terrible day. I love making children and adults alike feeling that they are special enough for me to care.

At times, the task is difficult. Sometime people that I meet aren't in the best of moods. Yet, I don't let that deter me. I love a challenge and the satisfaction one feels upon getting through and making that person's day. There is nothing quiet like that feeling.

With that being said, do you know what is the biggest monkey wrench in my gears to stop helping? Body odor. I have come across some individuals that have a stench so bad that they would make a maggot gag! I have smelled beer farts that were more pleasant that their body stench. Their stench is like a mixture of vinegar and rotten milk. It's like burnt hair mixed with booby sweat. You can smell them leaving their house 15 mile away. It's just terrible!

It's hard to even concentrate when they come up to me. My eyes begin to water and my lunch makes its way to the back of my throat. It's like I can't even breath. Their stench literally takes the oxygen out of the air around them. They are a walking biohazard weapon!

The problem is that they don't even care. I'd understand if they were homeless or severely mental incapacitated, but alot aren't. They know full well that they smell like the devil's buttcrack and they don't care about it. What gives???!!!!

What's worse is when they come in with their spouse. They drove all the way to the hospital with this individual. How the heck did they survive driving all the way in with the windows up. If it were me, I'd be like the family dog with my head sticking way out the window. As a matter of fact, I would probably strap myself to the roof of the car.

What ever happened to persoanl hygene? What ever happened to getting ready to go see the doctor. Don't they believe in soap? Or how about deodorant? Come on, we only live in the 21 st century and you have not heard of this thing that kills odor?

I have the right to tell the individual that they offend me. Their odor is an invasion into my sanity. I think that there should be a law against offensive odor. Oh well, maybe just looking at them funny I'll let them know how I feel. Well folks, take care. Have a safe weekend. Keep safe and dream big!

Paging Ima Idiot...

There are days that just don't seem to end. There are time where you wish that you would've stood in bed. That's how my week is turning out so far. Let me explain ( or at least try to) how my week has been going.

I started off the week by going to work and realizing that now our patient population from the north is making its way down to us. This means that our workload is about to get really heavy. For the most part, our Floridian patient population are nice. We do occasionally get that one patient that you want to make disappear and have his/her picture show up on a milk carton. Most understand that the federal government is overworked and underpaid. They treat us with dignity and respect. That all changes when the "snowbirds" show up. They are literally the most obnoxious bunch of degenerates anyone can ever meet. They demand everything at the moment and have a very low patience level. Anyway, we try our best to help them. With that said, you all know that I ran into some already. However, this is not the theme of this entry.

You see, this week I had to get my annual TB test done at the hospital. Ever since I came back from Iraq ( Persian Gulf), I knew I developed a hypersensitivity to the doggone test. No one paid attention until this week. I went tho employee health like a good employee and presented myself for testing. I advised the nurse the I was hypersensitive to the test. She looked at me as though I dropped my pants and and peed in her corn flakes, while she was eating. Just because I don't have the letters RN after my name doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. Mind you, I was a Hospital Corpsman for eight years in the Navy. Still though, she looked at me as though I had a booger hanging off the end of my nose. I stood quiet as she proceeded to administer the test. She gave me my sub dermal injection and I was gone from her office.

Less than twenty four hours later, I was back in her office with a reaction to the test that had them scrambling like roaches when the lights come on. when they saw that the site turned red and had "grown" considerably, they acted as if I had that disease from the movie "12 Monkeys". Now I know how bad TB is. However, I did tell them about what was going to happen because I knew that although I didn't have TB, I was exposed to it at one point in my military career. So off they shove me like some leper from the Bible. I was told to go to radiology to get x-rays. Luckily, I found someone and told them my whole ordeal. They finally listened and decided not to take me out into a field field and shoot me like one of the undead.

Now, if they would've listened to me a lot of people would have not pissed their pants. I don't pretend to be Doogy Houser. All I'm saying is sometime we can prevent making ourselves look like the poster boy for King/Queen of the Village Idiots if we just take a minute to analyze the situation.

I know that we always jump too quickly. We are human afterall. How many times this has happened to us. We get upset because we can't find the keys to the car and we're holding them all along.... ok, so maybe that only has happened to me...but you get the idea. So I ask everyone to take one moment in their stressful lives and stop and think when a situation comes up. It may mean the difference between being successful or looking like Britney Spears take a MENSA exam.

Anywho...have a safe day eveyone and don't forget to tune in this weekend for another webisode of SamVidBlog News. Keep safe and dream big.

The Longest Mile

Usually, after a long day at work, i get into my car and head for home. The traffic is usually heavy, but it's manageable. The commute home takes about 30 minutes from work to home. That's the way of Florida life. However, yesterday will go down in the history books as the day that literally took the cake, dropped the ball, went there, slapped the nun, punted the baby, dropped kick grandma.... well, you get the idea.

What started out as a "normal" trip home ended as me wanting to get my hands on God, the Governor, and the rest of mankind. I noticed that the Tampa Area is ill equipped to handle even tapping it's stomach while rubbing its head. A gas main had ruptured a few miles before reaching home. The I-75 overpass,that goes over the road I travel, was also closed. So as I approached the detour, I contemplated how was I going to get home. You might say "take a side road, Sam." I would respond "ok." And so I took the side roads and noticed that the first road took straight into a dead end. So, I took another road. This is when the lyrics of " Hotel California" began to go through my mind. I figured head north and you'll eventually get to your home. Not so. After twenty minutes of heading north, I saw a sign that said main road. I thought this was easy. Too easy... It was just that. Not only did I hit the road I wanted, I was five miles back from the place I started from! I started out at the head of the pack. Now, I was at the end! I screamed bloody murder! I thought" what the heck just happened?!"

I immediately called my uncle to help me out. He got on the computer faster than a fat kid on candy and looked up a map to guide me out of the mess like some kind of cyber-sherpa. I went left , right , around , and under. Guess what? I ended right back at the same spot. I tried going back towards the city. However, the traffic was backed up for hours. I was literally trapped in a traffic jam.

I gave up and stood there until the police opened the road once more. It wasn't that I was being headstrong. It was just that I felt as if no matter how much I tried I was going to get nowhere. I did just that for what seemed an eternity.

As I sat there, I thought about the strange way the city set up the roads. I noticed that the side streets lead to nowhere. It's like a big loop. The funny part about it was that I wasn't the only village idiot following the guy in front of me to lead me out of madness. I felt like a lemming as I followed the guy in front of me.

Then, I felt even more hopeless when my uncle led me through the mess and back to the end of the line. It was like using a gps to find a pimple on your back ( if you think that what I said didn't make sense, that was the point).

I can't help to think of the mess we in Tampa will be in when the poop hits the fan. I mean, having just one access road is stupid. It's like letting a chimp try to paint the Mona Lisa. It's like sticking a fork in a wall socket. It's like George W. Bush in the White House...well, you get the idea.

Another thing that bothers me is the fact that I followed the other who didn't have a clue on where they were going. I blindedly followed them like Michael Jackson following kids into Disney World. There was a lesson to be learned from this experience. Unfortunately, I have yet to learn what it is.

Anywho folks, let me call it a entry for now. Tomorrow is hump day. Hopefully, the week will start to turn around. Keep safe and dream big.

Stiff Competition

I remember a few years ago when people used to get used issues that they had with everyday living. If you had allergies, you suffered through the allergy season and made the best of it. If you had an upset stomach, you would get Alka Seltzer and sleep the rest of it off. That changed as soon as the pharmaceutical companies embarked on a journey to "help" us live better.

First came Allegra, this little thing helped us breath better. We could be standing under a tree having tree copulation and we'd feel a slight discomfort. Then came the "little purple pill". This little puppy made it easier to eat any food you wanted ( for those with stomach ulcers and other messed up GI things). You literally could eat hot coals smothered in napalm and feel good about yourself. You can actually eat your mother in law's cooking and not suffer the wrath of the gods of culinarious.

If you think the pharmaceuticals stopped there, then you're probably the biggest idiot on the planet and don't deserve to breath the same air as the rest of humankind. No sir-eee. They didn't stop there. They developed the grand daddy of them all. The pill that would change the way we look at senior citizenship forever. That's right... I'm talking about Viagra. The pill that totally damaged my mental image of Bob Dole.

Never mind finding the cure for cancer. Never mind finding the cure for Diabetes. And forget about ending world hunger.... We really needed to find a cure for Erectile Dysfunction! Holy crap, I'm glad that we, in the United States, have our priorities super straight.

However, it doesn't end there! We don't seem to care about the real problems that are plaguing

us as a people. Do you care about the problems with malnutrition? No! Do you care about the starving pygmy children of New Guinea? No! Do you care about your hair being angelically soft and to burn fat while you sleep? YES!!!

So my question is where is our priorities? Old men are wanting to use parts that lost their warranty years ago. I am surprised that they are not falling over from massive heart attacks from the exercise. I thought that people at that age would forget how to or even care about doing it. Oh well, I guess I was wrong.

I have noticed that the medicine that we recieve now-a-days doesn't cure you from the problems that you may have. They just help you cope with them. They figured out that the money isn't in curing diseases. The money is in helping you live with them longer. To me. that's really messed up. Oh well, we feed the machine.

So the moral of the story is that we should re-examine ourselves and see what we need to do to set our priorities straight. We don't need a pill for this or that. We need to take control of the situation or the situation will take control of us. Well... It's the start of a new week. Everyone take care of yourselves.

Before I go... I want to thank Roni and Moe for joining me on my journey into craziness. I love the way they can let loose and think way outside of the box. I hope that the little project we have can grow and bear beautiful fruits. Keep safe and dream big!